Oh, It’s There, Don’t Worry

“i’m pregnant and my cervix is not being ubiquitous enough” (9/25/12)

Though Things Have Certainly Changed Now That Saddam Is Out Of The Equation

“what do you say back to people who say whoever denied it supplied it” (5/7/12)

Jeez, do we really have to go over the deal-smell/supply-deny nexus one more time?

Pray

“what to do when you get scotch bonnett in your eye” (5/5/12)

Here are two different resources, and I would also add that such an occurrence might be as good a time as any to take up a powerful opioid.

Fifty Shades Of Thesaurus

“how many times is the word clamber used in fifty shades of grey” (5/4/12)

The answer is 23, and amazingly, she never once seems to use the word appropriately.

Technical Term: “Groan”

“did anastasia steele ever give a blow job before christian grey” (2) (5/3/12)

The answer is no, as per the E.L. James classic Fifty Shades Of Stupid, but if you really need the citation, see Location 3848 of 149000, where Ms. Steele refers to her “very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.”

Google Vernacular English

“how mach wather i need for cookin spench” (5/2/12)

I could read this all day and still not figure out how this is supposed to sound phonetically.

Let’s Put Them At Somewhere Between Better Than Winning The Powerball And Worse Than Getting Skin Cancer

“odds of a waiter spitting in your food” (4/27/12)

What Is, “What Is The Worst Line In The Book?”

“fifty shades of grey well if you were mine you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week”

“He runs his hand through his hair, and I know it’s because he’s exasperated.”

Only If You’re Looking To Pitch Him As A Baby Model . . .

“is it normal to want to see how big your sons penis iss” (4/19/12)

Probably Not Use It For A Soup Stock

“what d you do with the lamb shank after passover seder” (4/10/12)

If you’re anything like my mother, you put it in the freezer for next year because lamb shanks are such a pain to find.

Say Yes To The Distress

“trenton makes bride” (3/31/12)

Toward A New, Improved, Less-Defined, More Vague Description Of Nearly Everything

“how big is a studio apartment that is 250 square feet” (3/29/12)

My God I Hate That Song

“say what you need to say lyrics” (3/20/12)

OK, by request:

Take on all of your wasted father
Every little best castration
Take off all your so-called Pradas,
Better put ‘em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking with one arm’s heavy
Fighting with the spatchcock in your bed
Living out the same old MoMA
Knowing you’d be better off in stead,
If you could only . . .

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no beer for giving in
Have no thief forgiving over
You’d better know that in the end
Its better to say to Midge
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your nuts are quaking
And your penis is broken
Even as the ice are [closing?]
Do it with a hard wine token

Say what you need to say [x24]

Not To Mention How They Swallow All Those Quarters

“laundromats suck” (3/19/12)

Which is part of why it’s probably for the best that you moved back home . . .

Things Not To Do When Your Carbon Monoxide Detector Is Buzzing Include Google What To Do When Your Carbon Monoxide Detector Is Buzzing

“should my carbon monoxide detector be buzzing” (3/18/12)

I can’t imagine our site helped you find your answer; I hope you’re still alive to read this . . .

Friday Afternoon, You See Them Everywhere

“teachers most annoying customers in restaurants” (3/16/12)

Not Even The NSA Can Pull That Off!

“pictures of all woodpeckers in new jersey” (3/15/12)

Impossible!

If We Have Anything To Do With It, Not A Goddamn One

“which nyc bridges walk” (3/14/12)

I Can’t Tell If This Is Old News Or Breaking News

“big rat captured in brooklyn caroll gardens” (3/13/12)

A tip, or a warning?

You Sound Like My Wife

“i need a mofoin car” (3/10/12) (2)

On The Off Chance I’m Able To Help You . . .

“hotel rates catching man jacking off” (3/9/12)

I believe room rates at the Standard start at $295.

Practice, Practice, Practice (And Don’t Tag Anywhere Near Councilmember Vallone’s Office)!

“how to i find a graffiti fame?” (3/8/12)

I think you might be talking about the Graffiti Hall of Fame — that’s at 106th and Park . . .

The City Really Needs To Crack Down On Knockoffs

“yankee vs white socks tickets” (3/7/12)

I can get you four good seats . . .

You And Your Accessories!

“why doesn’t jon steward wear a kippa” (3/6/12)

We already discussed you guys demanding to know why he doesn’t wear a wedding ring — you need to know why he won’t wear a yarmulke now, too? Give the guy a break already . . .

But I should be thankful someone is perseverating on Jon Stewart’s accessories. That means I don’t have to address the other big search referrer term of the day, which was “men sucking young boys cocks” (2). Why you come to our humble site looking up such stuff, I don’t know. Maybe it had to do with this.

That’s Right, I Said “All You Can Eat Crab And Fried Chicken”

“what is bethany beach delaware known for?” (3/5/12) (8)

All-you-can-eat crab and fried chicken, of course!!!!

What Walks On Four Legs In The Morning?

“shit while you eat but remember not to shit where you eat meaning” (3/4/12)

Famous Last Words . . .

“what does the shutoff valve under the sink look like?” (3/4/12) (2)

OK, I’ll tell you just this once . . .

It’s Sort Of Like Spontaneous Applause After Landing An Airplane, Except Not

“why do people clap when someone drops a dish” (3/2/12)

Other than they’re just being dicks? I don’t know. Is there a Venn diagram with people who clap at restaurants and people who clap on airplanes whereby an intersecting group claps after a pilot loses control of the plane and they’re tumbling into the ocean?

Is There Any Other Kind?

“walrus masturbation” (3/3/12) (2)

I actually know what this is about but it’s funnier just to let it stand as is . . .

Sure, Blame The Jews For That, Too

“jews invented tipping” (3/2/12)