May 8th, 2008

Annoying Like Your Roommate Forgetting To Buy Toilet Paper Or Annoying Like Genocide?

“what is the most annoying thing that someone could do to you?” (5/7/08)

Repeatedly ask the same dumb question! Next!

May 7th, 2008

You Mean Besides Stealing Mine And Cleaning Out Your Ears With It?

“what irritating thing can you do with a pen” (5/6/08)

How about write the lyrics to “December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night)”?

May 6th, 2008

Where Jack Bauer Hangs In His Downtime

“son of a bitch club” (5/5/08)

You don’t by any chance mean S.O.B’s, do you? That’s as in “Sounds of Brazil” . . .

May 6th, 2008

A Sensational Pass!

“marv albert threesom with a guy?” (5/5/08)

Uh . . . I’m good, thanks. Maybe some other time.

May 5th, 2008

Ack! Again!

“medical reason for urine to smell fishy” (5/4/08)

I see this is important. Please disregard my earlier post and let me be clearer in pointing you in the right direction . . .

May 5th, 2008

Thanks, Now I Will Have “Cystitis” Stuck In My Head All Day

“fishy urine” (5/4/08)

Ew. Double ew.

May 5th, 2008

For Leading Economic Indicators, Czech Sex

“czech sex morale” (5/4/08)

If I were to guess, low in the waning days of communism, then a spike after 1989, with numbers flattening since.

May 5th, 2008

As Gas Prices Go Through The Roof . . .

“is it possible to walk the east side of manhattan?” (5/4/08)

Thanks to sidewalks, generously provided by the city, this is in fact possible.

May 5th, 2008

Makes Moot The Old Adage About Always Wearing Clean Underwear

“do you crap your pants after o before you have a heart attack?” (5/4/08)

It of course depends on how badly your heart has been broken.

May 3rd, 2008

As The Great Howard Jones Once Sang, “Things Can Only Get Better”

“what comes out of pores when meth detox purple” (5/2/08)

Ew . . . sucks to be you . . .

May 3rd, 2008

Staten Island’s Musical Legacy

“who played at the paramount theatre on staten island” (5/2/08)

Mission of Burma’s last show before reforming 19 years later was at the Paramount in 1983.

May 3rd, 2008

Sometimes It’s Painfully Obvious Why People Ask What They Ask

“what word and structure you ask customer relations to a job as waiter” (5/2/08)

Then again, communication skills are not absolutely necessary. What’s more important is that you’re, first and foremost, hot.

May 3rd, 2008

How To Know When You’re The Worst Manager In The World

“top 10 reason downsides to giving employees too much verbal praise” (5/2/08)

Please, please, go back in your hole.

May 1st, 2008

Satchmo A Right At 59th Street And Head Over The Bridge . . .

“how far is louis armstrong’s house in queens from wellington hotel on 55th street” (4/30/08)

7.2 miles.

May 1st, 2008

You’re Kidding, Right?

“can i park at a no standing on a fire zone ?” (4/30/08)

If you want a $115 ticket (with an additional $15 New York State Criminal Justice surcharge) then sure, go right ahead!

April 30th, 2008

Don’t Think You Can Get This By Me By Making It Sound Lacy And Victorian

“ladies piddling” (4/29/08)

It still is what it is!

April 29th, 2008

For God’s Sake, Don’t Google, Throw A Blanket Over Him!

“how to say your pants are on fire in french” (4/28/08)

But I think it’s something along the lines of: “Votre pantalon sont en feu.”

De rien.

April 29th, 2008

Yes, Congestion Pricing Failed . . . Now What?

“bridge and tunnel crowd fuck you” (4/28/08)

Well. OK then . . .

April 28th, 2008

Google Stalkers

“konstantin a waiter at the trastevere restaurant in hollywood california” (4/27/08)

What if I told you I had his email?

April 28th, 2008

Disparar El Freak . . .

“significado de shoot the freak!” (4/27/08)

¿Qué quiere decir? Es genial!

April 27th, 2008

It’s A Good Thing Google Automatically Fixes Terrible Spelling

“different views of stachu of liberty” (4/26/08)

And if you look closely, you can just make out her Fu Manchu moustache . . .

April 27th, 2008

You’re Gonna Have To Figure That Out For Yourself, Forrest

“is rockaway park queens ghetto?” (4/26/08)

Queens is a box of chocolates, Forrest — you never know what you’re gonna get . . .

April 24th, 2008

Works Every Time

“what to do if busser isnt getting fair share from waiter” (4/23/08)

Simple: Have your friends wait outside the restaurant and club him on the knee so he can’t work for a week or two, then suggest to the manager that you fill in for him.

April 23rd, 2008

[Whoa, I Just Had A Flashback To An Episode Of $25,000 Pyramid]

“woman fucking dogs had” (4/22/08)

Goodie, I never get to play Mad Libs anymore! How about:

  • woman fucking dogs had two mutts to handle!
  • woman fucking dogs had a “ruff” time!
  • woman fucking dogs had [insert your own here]!

April 23rd, 2008

I Prefer “With” To “To,” If You Don’t Mind

“i want to do rude stuff with or to your bottom” (4/22/08)

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

April 23rd, 2008

Yes, Yes, Come To Mommy

“i will jump in a garbage truck diapers” (4/22/08)

Hells yeah you will!

April 22nd, 2008

Oh, Do The Fellas Down At Men’s Wearhouse Have Some Tales For You!

“crap your suit pants stories” (4/21/08)

There seems to be a fetish in there somewhere . . .

April 22nd, 2008

Keep Off The Grass

“did george steinbrenner insult pope benedict ?” (4/21/08)

Depends on what your definition of an insult is . . . there was this:

Pope Benedict XVI’s three days in New York pose logistical challenges beyond making sure that he’s safe.

Among other things, organizers had to widen some footpaths for the popemobile, figure out how to distribute Holy Communion to 57,000 people and teach schoolkids to sing “Happy Birthday” in German.

They also had to promise to keep the pope and everybody else off the grass at Yankee Stadium.

“The Yankees had only one request, and that is that we not touch their grass,” said Mark Ackermann, who is running the Office of the Papal Visit for the New York archdiocese. “The All-Star game will be there this year and of course we’re all confident that the World Series will be there as well. So the Yankees need to keep it in good shape and we’ve been most respectful of that.”

April 16th, 2008

It Depends On What The Meaning Of The Word ‘Is’ Is

“suck on my pen” (4/15/08)

Quill or ballpoint? And why would you want that?

April 15th, 2008

I Think You’re Barking Up The Wrong Tree Here . . .

“song you sing to prove your not drunk” (4/14/08)

. . . because it’s a trick question!

April 14th, 2008

Bi Now . . .

“bisexuals exist” (4/13/08)

Yeah, yeah, whatever you say . . .

April 10th, 2008

The Existential Link That Saves You From Falling In The Drink

“what is the most important bridge” (4/9/08)

Whichever one you’re on!

April 10th, 2008

Ask The Google/E-Mail Directly . . . Either Way, We’ll Find Out

“how do i submit menus to bridge and tunnel club” (4/9/08)

Googling the answer won’t do it . . . but since you asked, we only put menus up from places we’ve actually eaten at . . . but email us to tell us where you are — maybe we’ll visit!

April 10th, 2008

Is April 15th Coming Up Or Something?

“what percentage of americans make 200000″ (4/9/08)

About 2.67 percent.

April 9th, 2008

Martians . . . I Hate Those Guys!

“earth can’t win the game but it must not lose” (4/8/08)

I think you mean “nature,” as in Jung’s quote, “Nature must not win the game, but she cannot lose.” But the earth needs to be slapped down a little, I agree.

April 9th, 2008

Wow, It’s Like Steam Cleaning Your Skin!

“why does black stuff come out of my pores in the sauna?” (4/8/08)

Ew . . . please . . . not here!

April 9th, 2008

Hey, Be Nice . . .

“beat the mets beat the mets step right up and” (4/8/08)

Poor Mets, losing the last ever home opener at Shea . . .

April 9th, 2008

Get Up, Get Out Of Your Chair And Go Meet Someone!

“i m desperate and lonely” (4/8/08)

Aw . . . boo hoo . . .

April 8th, 2008

Management Is Doing Things Right; Leadership Is Doing The Right Things

“how to lead a passover seder” (4/7/08)

Oh, man — if you don’t know by know . . .

April 8th, 2008

Search Referrer Film Pitch, Too

“chop shop insurance director of security at a city hospital” (4/7/08)

I like it . . . a director of security at a city hospital conspires with doctors to have their cars stolen for insurance money . . . get back to me with a treatment!