You Can’t Just Google Your Way Into Answering Essay Questions, You Know . . .

“world trade center transportation hub designed by santiago calatrava do you think this monument represents the events that occurred on 9/11? why or why not? is this what you envisioned to be placed at ground zero? what did you or could you envision if this is not the piece?” (1/30/08)

A Real Trojan Horse

“found filled condom as a threat in apartment nyc” (1/30/08)

Horrible. Horrible.

You Don’t Mean The Candy, Right?

“i want a suggardaddie” (1/30/08)

I hear you. The world hears you.

You’re New At This, Right?

“sex short stay hotel downtown manhattan” (1/30/08)

Do those even exist there anymore?

And We’ll Keep Doing It Until The Deleterious Effects Of The Bush Tax Cuts Have Been Avenged

“he told me that his class voted to take a pair of shoes and a jacket from the richest kid in the class and give them to the poorest kid” (1/29/08)

It’s called “redistributing wealth.” Got a problem with that, fat cat?

Done And Done

“can you show me a map of the erie canal” (1/29/08)

Sure.

More Proof That You Should Never, Ever Trust Alan Cumming To Do What He Says He’s Going To Do

“cumming inside a woman after promising to pullout” (1/29/08)

But the real question is how he got in there in the first place . . .

Atta Boy . . . Way To Report The Hard News

“what dealings did mohammad atta have with lowen’s pharmacy?” (1/29/08)

Let’s clear this up: The Brooklyn Paper carelessly repeated this rumor in a story from May 2007 about Lowen’s. Somehow it doesn’t seem to be Google-able anymore. So don’t blame us.

That’s Your Assumption

“euclid ave east new york bad neighborhood” (1/29/08)

I didn’t say that . . .

It Wouldn’t Have Been A Problem If My Sessions Hadn’t Always Started At 4:20

“dont tell your therapist you smoke pot” (1/28/08)

I know, because the sneaky bastard always goes behind your back and rats you out to your wife!

Sure, They Have To Stay Loose In Case A Real Troublemaker Comes Along

“sometimes i wonder if bouncers have a certain quota of people they have to throw out of bars in a given month” (1/28/08)

Because that’s good for business.

Where Did He Say He Was? The International House Of Pancakes?

“what is weird sweet smell on my husband” (1/28/08)

Lady . . .

Unless It Suddenly Snowed In Honolulu, Didn’t You Listen To What Your Mother Told You About Proper Footwear?

“wearing flip flops caught in snowstorm” (1/28/08)

Sucks to be you.

Just To Be Clear Here, You’re Talking About Bill, Right?

“clinton ass” (1/28/08)

Definitely.

Damn Hedge Fuckers

“hedge fuck” (1/27/08)

No, no, no! That’s fund! Fund!

You Mean Like “Dick Morecock”?

“sexual innuendos for peoples’ names” (1/27/08)

Or something along the lines of “Mike Hunt” or “Anita Blowjob”?

Thy Name Is Bridge And Tunnel

“bridge and tunnel names for girls” (1/27/08)

We’re taking suggestions below . . .

You Mean Besides The Fact That You’ll Make Me Late To Work And I’ve Already Gotten To Work Late Like Every Day This Week?

“why we shouldnt pull emrgency cord on subway trains” (1/26/08)

But if you really must know:

The emergency brakes are released when a passenger pulls the dangling cord at either end of the subway car, or when the steel lever attached to the undercarriage of the lead car — called a trip cock — strikes an object lying on the tracks or track bed. Each time this occurs, a train operator must leave the cabin, inspect the tracks under each car and clear any obstacles before beginning the 10-minute process of repressurizing the brakes, according to Jared Lebow, a Transit Authority spokesman. It can take a while.

In most emergencies — when a passenger is ill or caught in the doors — the brake cord should be pulled only to prevent the train from leaving a station, Mr. Lebow said. Passengers shouldn’t pull the cord while the train is in a tunnel, he said, unless a passenger falls onto the tracks.

. . .

The emergency brakes are pressurized to 110 pounds per square inch. Although they won’t stop the train on a dime, they can bring a 400-ton string of cars moving 30 miles an hour to a halt in about 250 feet.

The Riddler

“i have wooden teeth and minimal hair if not registered i live at the bottom of handbags or in the bovine accessories of men what am i?” (1/26/08)

A comb. Next!

What’s The Dilly Yo?

“staph infection and pickles” (1/25/08)

I really really wish you hadn’t said anything . . .

Search Engine As Leading Economic Indicator

“we have to raise our prices unfortunately” (1/25/08)

That’s still not an excuse!

Chuck Norris As Viral Campaign

“who sued nbc for a trademark violation saying that law & order were copywrited names for his right and left legs” (1/25/08)

Chuck Norris! Though just so you know, it’s a joke:

Action icon Chuck Norris isn’t sure what to make of a hysterical list of “facts” about him making the rounds on the Web. The absurdist send-up, titled “Top 30 Chuck Norris Facts,” lists the butt-kicking B-lister’s imaginary attributes, with particular emphasis on his penchant for delivering roundhouse kicks to the face. Selections include: “Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming ‘Law & Order’ are trademarked names for his left and right legs;” “The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain;” and, “Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.”

What Happened In Vegas Stays In Vegas On Surveillance Tapes Too Long

“how long do strip clubs save surveillance tapes?” (1/25/08)

Wouldn’t your wife/girlfriend like to know?

He’s The Short One In The Green T-Shirt And Long Hair

“does dolph from the simpsons bully people?” (1/24/08)

Yes.

Nothing In whitepages.com?

“what is michelle williams boerum hill dean st mailing address” (1/24/08)

If you want to send condolences — though I want to stress that it’s probably weird — I think the full address is here.

What’s The Poop?

“merril lynch guy pooped on bonus” (1/24/08)

Shouldn’t he feel lucky he still has a job?

But here’s the deal — it wasn’t poop; it was shit.

No, Seriously, What The Fuck Is It?

“what the fuck is a hedge fund?” (1/24/08)

A hedge fund is a private investment fund that charges a performance fee and is typically open to only a limited range of qualified investors.

What the fuck that is is another story.

Do The Math

“how much is 250 square feet?” (1/23/08)

Um, about 250 square feet?

Hey Man, It’s Like A Trans-Astral Conversation — Get In It!

“tony hemmelgarn is my son how did he get in this conversation?” (1/23/08)

Lady, how am I supposed to know?

And For The Record, My Name Is Not Yo

“yo i just stabbed some kid” (1/23/08)

Oh. Real nice. And then you feel the need to brag about it in front of the children . . . you’re a piece of work.