Imagine, People In Philly Actually Cleaning Out The Cupboard!

“do tasty cakes have an expiration date” (2/28/08)

No, that’s the point of the “K” . . .

Someone Might Be Willing To Offer Their Basement For That . . .

“brooklyn halls rooms for wedding receptions in brooklyn new york city for under $700 dollars that do not require catering” (2/28/08)

How long are you willing to drive? Philadelphia? Some even say it’s the sixth borough . . .

TGIF!

“crack rock she lit crack pipe sizzled pleasure” (2/28/08)

. . . Oh, what a relief it is . . .

Film Pitch As Search Referrer Spam

“four yuppies take a road trip through a small town where they arrested for speeding and find themselves trapped in a judge’s theme park of deadly rides” (2/27/08)

I’d pitch it as a cross between Psycho and The Big Chill but I wouldn’t hold out much hope.

Search Referrer Jeopardy

“this actor was born on july 12 1938 he is most famous for his role as an obstetrician on his tv show which ran from 1984 1992″ (2/26/08)

Who is Bill Cosby? I’ll take Jello Pitchmen for $400, Alex . . .

Like Man Bites Dog . . .

“saw penis jerking off man sitting subway” (2/26/08)

It’s usually the other way around, no? Regardless, it shouldn’t have happened.

Dig Out Your Own Hagstrom, Lazy Ass

“tell me where 8 coleman square is?” (2/25/08)

No, I refuse. Look it up for yourself.

What’s A “Cheap For A Male”?

“need a cheap for a male room to live in queens corona new york” (2/25/08)

Or is it “a male room to live”?

And This On A Day When Michael Moore Loses Out To A Holocaust Film

“what percentage of people are fat admirers” (2/24/08)

Methodological note: This group of Americans does not overlap with Oprah fans.

One, Replace Alpo With A Hearty Fiber Cereal, Then Two, Bundle Up To Get Ready For A Nice, Long Walk

“what can be given to a dog who passes such a horrible gas odor?” (2/24/08)

You mean besides rat poison?

The Wrong Kind Of Energy Drink

“a man in nj died from drinking jet fuel and gatorade” (2/24/08)

Plus, it doesn’t taste particularly good.

Seat Belt-Wearing Megalomaniac!

“sooner or later you’re going to listen to ralph nader” (2/24/08)

But I don’t have to like it.

Have We Really Gotten To The Point Where It Is Nearly Impossible To Google “Bull Penis” Without Attracting Unwanted Attention?

“bull penis -forum -tube -forums -blogs -india -blog -china -pakistan -singapure -ebay -amazon -sex -xxx -bse -usa -dollar -dollars” (2/23/08)

So by eliminating all the other terms, what did he finally find? (I’ve eaten bull penis once — it was horrible — though I suppose, to be fair, it could have been the preparation.)

Sexually Crotchety

“sexual crotch” (2/23/08)

Which is different than the other kind of crotch, usually associated with decidedly unsexy topics such as “groin pulls”.

What Happens On The Corner Of 53rd And Sixth Stays On The Corner Of 53rd And Sixth

“how many calories in chicken gyro from truck in nyc” (2/21/08)

Don’t ask . . .

Be Firm, Be Polite . . . But Make It Hurt

“what to do if we suspect cub scout treasurer stole money last year” (2/19/08)

Glad you asked . . . I prefer the old good cop/bad cop. Perhaps even capped off with something dramatic, perhaps something along the lines of that great scene in L.A. Confidential. In short, twist the knife in that fucker . . . ram those 12 Core Values right up the bastard’s ass.

The Latest Drug Craze: Huffing Reading Glasses

“how to get noxious smells from plastic rimmed reading glasses??” (2/19/08)

I’m sympathetic to your plight, and it’s not just the desperation of the dual question marks that makes me feel this way . . .

How’s That Film Tax Credit Working For You?

“nyc condom toronto” (2/17/08)

How Cousin Mary’s Hawaii Trip Went Horribly Wrong

“pineapples with the explosive power of a half stick of dynamite” (2/12/08)

(I know, I know . . . it’s a firecracker.)

After Months In Front Of The Computer Sometimes Your Eyes Deceive You

“the real mermaid that was found” (2/12/08)

. . . only shows up in Google searches.

The Only Golf Club In America Where They Don’t Bother Hushing Each Other

“i worked in inwood country club last year and it was horrible” (2/11/08)

I know — all day it’s planes, planes, planes.

Lord Won’t You Fuck Me In Your Mersadies Benz . . .

“when i was 16 i boght my first mersadies benz must have fucked 1000 bitches and they girlfreinds” (2/11/08)

And they said you wouldn’t amount to anything after you dropped out of school at 14!

Why Bother With The Ceremony When You Can Go Straight To The Honeymoon?

“russian bikini clad brides looking for mates” (2/11/08)

And those bikinis come in traditional white, I’m guessing . . .

Time Was . . .

“punishment for naughty school girls in the old days and being sent to the naughty corner and stand naked in front of everyone and handcuffed and tied their hands and legs to the table” (2/9/08)

Hmm . . . I don’t think it went down exactly like that . . .

The Meaning Of Charity

“are the contributions to i35 bridge victims tax deductible” (2/8/08)

And here you thought that Americans weren’t the most charitable people in the world . . .

That’s Why I Prefer You Have It Go In My Planter

“can a dog be electrocuted by urinating on a metal light post” (2/7/08)

Only if ConEd fucks up . . .

Which Came First, The Bridge Or The Eye-talians?

“what was the percent of italians in the population of staten island before and after the verrazano narrows bridge” (2/7/08)

The theory doesn’t hold, racist — quit googling.

It’s Not Hard . . .

“how do you find the tip for a waiter?” (2/7/08)

Dig deep with those grubby little fingers in your lint-filled pocket, cheapskate.

Now We Know Who Not To Cheat Off Of During That Big Physics Exam

“why is it that a cat that accidentally falls from the top of a 50 story building hits a safety net below no faster than if it fell from the 20th story” (2/6/08)

Still, please don’t try it.

Bridge Walking . . . I’ve Heard Of It

“how do you walk over the queensborough bridge?” (2/6/08)

One step at a time . . .