Either That Or Become A Lion . . .

“how to get to 5th ave and 42st in manhattan?” (3/29/08)

By turning your blog into a book?

Or the 7 train to 5th Avenue/Bryant Park, use the east entrance . . .

Oh, Don’t Worry, I Will

“describe something which you find annoying” (3/29/08)

When you don’t get the Saturday paper delivered — the one with all the advance sections from the Sunday paper — and then when you tell the paper that you didn’t get your Saturday paper, they only credit you for the cost of the Saturday paper, not counting all the Sunday stuff, which means that you don’t get your full Sunday paper either.

And For God’s Sake, Don’t Flash Your Lights At A Car Driving Around With Its Headlights Off!

“gang initiation day bump car” (3/26/08)
“gang initiation bumping car and shooting” (3/26/08)
“gang initiation in nyc of bumping the car in the rear?” (3/26/08)
“bronx gang initiation car bumping” (3/26/08)
“nj gang initiation rear end” (3/26/08)
“gang initiation bump car shoot driver” (3/26/08)
“gang initiation bumps car and then kills victim” (3/26/08)

Gawd, you people are freaking out over really nothing:

Warnings of a gang-initiation rite popped up yesterday in western New York, North Carolina, and Florida. Some police dismissed it as an urban legend, but Buffalo police issued a public warning.

In Tallahassee, Florida, and Fayetteville, North Carolina, police said text messages and e-mails circulating about the gang activity were an urban legend and there was nothing to substantiate them.

The messages said the MS-13 gang was having an initiation in which likely gang members bump their car into the rear of another vehicle and then attack the driver.

While other police agencies dismissed the car-bump warnings, Buffalo Police Commissioner H. McCarthy Gipson called an emergency news conference last evening. He said there was credible information about a gang initiation ritual.

Gipson warned drivers to call 911 and keep moving if they were rear-ended.

Short Of Cooking At Home . . .

“how not to get your food spit in” (3/26/08)

. . . you could start by not eating in the dugout . . .

Perhaps They Got Confused Because Passover Is Late This Year?

“gang initiation day easter 2008 time square” (3/25/08)

Did it not happen this year? Is the absence of news still news? Or did it still happen this year?

One Thing You May Or May Not Have Known Is That He Follows The Nathan’s Contest With An Impromptu Psyllium Seed Husk Showdown

“what are takeru kobayashi’s bowel movements like?” (3/25/08)

Good question! We can only speculate . . .

What Lauren Ambrose Hath Wrought

“tricked out hearses for sale” (3/25/08)

Is this a large market?

This, Only Weeks After A Raisin In The Sun Was Shown On TV

“apartments for rent to black people” (3/25/08)

God, I hope you eventually found the right site . . .

Where Did You Come From, Where Did You Go?

“cotton eyed joe meaning” (3/25/08)

For the answer, please return to the Tao Te Ching: “The more you go in search of an answer, the less you will understand.”

Actually, the real meaning is something along the lines of “Dance, Yobbo, Dance, For Mariano Will Close Out The Visiting Team After We Get Up To Bat.”

How Yahoo’s Latest Ad Campaign Fails . . .

“search up the ying yang” (3/25/08)

Stay the hell away from my ying yang!

Scrupulous Screenwriter Or Googling Goon?

“murder in the lake of flushing meadow park” (3/24/08)

I don’t think it’s a movie . . . yet . . .

Rudie Can’t Tail

“i want to do really rude things with your bottom” (3/24/08)

You’ll do no such thing as long as I can help it!

Is It The Accent? The Strange Christmas Rituals? The Arranged Marriages?

“why are foreign parents so fucking weird” (3/24/08)

I don’t know. Why don’t you Gogol the answer?

Take Your Pick . . .

“what did carpetbaggers do?” (3/24/08)

They ran for senate. They trolled for Carhartt Guy in Brooklyn. And occasionally they moved south during Reconstruction to make money.

Someone Spent Too Much Time With Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life At A Young Age

“stomach rupture fetish” (3/22/08)

Nothing, nothing, nothing surprises me . . .

In Other Words, “Be Hot”

“how to get a waiter server position without experience” (3/22/08)

Easy . . . lie. Or “embellish” your resume (ask Senator Clinton about that.)

You Waited Until Acceptance Letters Went Out To Figure That Out?

“is nyu an ivy league college” (3/22/08)

Not to worry, I think it’s safely in the realm of “Ivy League or Similar” . . .

Moo Goo Gai Nutria

“chinese restaurant closed for serving nutria” (3/22/08)

Nutria . . . now that would be . . . incredible.

More Pervy Searches . . .

“bus stopped with a jerk and i got off” (3/20/08)

Oh . . . or not! (My bad!)

I Just Don’t Think The Department Of Labor Keeps This Data . . .

“statistics of people who spit in food” (3/18/08)

Nervous, aren’t we?

I can’t say for sure, as it’s not been established as firmly as the fact that the last five percent of a beverage is backwash, for example.

Oh Yeah, Just Turn Right Onto The Cross-Bronx And Follow It 200 Miles Until You Reach Something That Says “New Haven,” Then . . .

“is times square in manhattan” (3/18/08)

Indeed, it is. Now which one do you think is the money card?

You Mean Besides The Fact That It Brings Together A Proven Ability To Generate Unprecedented Value-Per-Square-Foot With The Expertise In Research And Analysis Essential For Navigating Today’s Complex Market In A Way That Builds Upon Its Legacy Of Innovation, Empowered By A Meaningfully Expanded Network?

“the dirt on corcoran sunshine marketing group” (3/17/08)

I don’t have it . . . sorry . . . is there something we should know?

But Note, I Didn’t Say They Will Never Go Bad . . . How About We Settle On Six Months In The Fridge?

“why pickled eggs don’t go bad?” (3/17/08)

Vinegar, acetic acid, kills microbes, etc., etc., vinegar is very versatile, blah, blah, Nigella Lawson ate 30 of them on a bet.

But It Killed The Other Day At The Open-Mic . . .

“palmyra flee market bombs” (3/17/08)

They did find WWII-era shells on the site of the Tacony-Palmyra Flea Market, but that doesn’t mean you have to run away . . .

This Could Go In A Couple Different Directions

“what your crap says” (3/16/08)

It could be, you know, a “What’s Your Poo Telling You?” kind of thing.

Then again, maybe just they’re accusing you of thinking your shit don’t stink . . .

Watch Out, Jerry “Tark the Shark” Tarkanian Is Back In The Game!

“what percent oy people are over 7 feet tall” (3/13/08)

Good question. Try here first. Not sure where else to look.

Is It His Relative Anonymity?

“why is george buliga so annoying?” (3/12/08)

And if I knew who that was, I might be able to help you.

With A Capital “T” And That Rhymes With “P” And That Stands For “Prostitute”

“emperors club vip girls trouble?” (3/12/08)

Dude, where have you been the last couple of days?

The Good News Is You Got That Big Summer Associate Placement . . .

“milbank tweed drug test” (3/12/08)

. . . the bad news is you have to cut your hair . . . all of it.

Anything Else I Can Do For You?

“bring me to taco bell now” (3/11/08)

No. Too pushy. Ask later.