Don’t Think You Can Get This By Me By Making It Sound Lacy And Victorian

“ladies piddling” (4/29/08)

It still is what it is!

For God’s Sake, Don’t Google, Throw A Blanket Over Him!

“how to say your pants are on fire in french” (4/28/08)

But I think it’s something along the lines of: “Votre pantalon sont en feu.”

De rien.

Yes, Congestion Pricing Failed . . . Now What?

“bridge and tunnel crowd fuck you” (4/28/08)

Well. OK then . . .

Google Stalkers

“konstantin a waiter at the trastevere restaurant in hollywood california” (4/27/08)

What if I told you I had his email?

Disparar El Freak . . .

“significado de shoot the freak!” (4/27/08)

¿Qué quiere decir? Es genial!

It’s A Good Thing Google Automatically Fixes Terrible Spelling

“different views of stachu of liberty” (4/26/08)

And if you look closely, you can just make out her Fu Manchu moustache . . .

You’re Gonna Have To Figure That Out For Yourself, Forrest

“is rockaway park queens ghetto?” (4/26/08)

Queens is a box of chocolates, Forrest — you never know what you’re gonna get . . .

Works Every Time

“what to do if busser isnt getting fair share from waiter” (4/23/08)

Simple: Have your friends wait outside the restaurant and club him on the knee so he can’t work for a week or two, then suggest to the manager that you fill in for him.

[Whoa, I Just Had A Flashback To An Episode Of $25,000 Pyramid]

“woman fucking dogs had” (4/22/08)

Goodie, I never get to play Mad Libs anymore! How about:

• woman fucking dogs had two mutts to handle!
• woman fucking dogs had a “ruff” time!
• woman fucking dogs had [insert your own here]!

I Prefer “With” To “To,” If You Don’t Mind

“i want to do rude stuff with or to your bottom” (4/22/08)

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

Yes, Yes, Come To Mommy

“i will jump in a garbage truck diapers” (4/22/08)

Hells yeah you will!

Oh, Do The Fellas Down At Men’s Wearhouse Have Some Tales For You!

“crap your suit pants stories” (4/21/08)

There seems to be a fetish in there somewhere . . .

Keep Off The Grass

“did george steinbrenner insult pope benedict ?” (4/21/08)

Depends on what your definition of an insult is . . . there was this:

Pope Benedict XVI’s three days in New York pose logistical challenges beyond making sure that he’s safe.

Among other things, organizers had to widen some footpaths for the popemobile, figure out how to distribute Holy Communion to 57,000 people and teach schoolkids to sing “Happy Birthday” in German.

They also had to promise to keep the pope and everybody else off the grass at Yankee Stadium.

“The Yankees had only one request, and that is that we not touch their grass,” said Mark Ackermann, who is running the Office of the Papal Visit for the New York archdiocese. “The All-Star game will be there this year and of course we’re all confident that the World Series will be there as well. So the Yankees need to keep it in good shape and we’ve been most respectful of that.”

It Depends On What The Meaning Of The Word ‘Is’ Is

“suck on my pen” (4/15/08)

Quill or ballpoint? And why would you want that?

I Think You’re Barking Up The Wrong Tree Here . . .

“song you sing to prove your not drunk” (4/14/08)

. . . because it’s a trick question!

Bi Now . . .

“bisexuals exist” (4/13/08)

Yeah, yeah, whatever you say . . .

The Existential Link That Saves You From Falling In The Drink

“what is the most important bridge” (4/9/08)

Whichever one you’re on!

Ask The Google/E-Mail Directly . . . Either Way, We’ll Find Out

“how do i submit menus to bridge and tunnel club” (4/9/08)

Googling the answer won’t do it . . . but since you asked, we only put menus up from places we’ve actually eaten at . . . but email us to tell us where you are — maybe we’ll visit!

Is April 15th Coming Up Or Something?

“what percentage of americans make 200000″ (4/9/08)

About 2.67 percent.

Martians . . . I Hate Those Guys!

“earth can’t win the game but it must not lose” (4/8/08)

I think you mean “nature,” as in Jung’s quote, “Nature must not win the game, but she cannot lose.” But the earth needs to be slapped down a little, I agree.

Wow, It’s Like Steam Cleaning Your Skin!

“why does black stuff come out of my pores in the sauna?” (4/8/08)

Ew . . . please . . . not here!

Hey, Be Nice . . .

“beat the mets beat the mets step right up and” (4/8/08)

Poor Mets, losing the last ever home opener at Shea . . .

Get Up, Get Out Of Your Chair And Go Meet Someone!

“i m desperate and lonely” (4/8/08)

Aw . . . boo hoo . . .

Management Is Doing Things Right; Leadership Is Doing The Right Things

“how to lead a passover seder” (4/7/08)

Oh, man — if you don’t know by know . . .

Search Referrer Film Pitch, Too

“chop shop insurance director of security at a city hospital” (4/7/08)

I like it . . . a director of security at a city hospital conspires with doctors to have their cars stolen for insurance money . . . get back to me with a treatment!

Because There’s Nothing Sexier Than A Blogger And An Environmentalist

“environmentalist sex blog” (4/5/08)

It takes all, all kinds . . .

Yes, Grand Mal

“central park mal” (4/4/08)

Oy, all those silly roller bladers . . .

You Talkin’ To Me?

“robert de niro cameo law and order episode” (4/4/08)

Juicy tip?

Magic Google Machine, Answer Me This . . .

“who jumped of the triboro bridge yesterday on queens side” (4/2/08)

Wasn’t me . . . anyone?

“Landlord won’t clean trash in back yard. What can I do?” –Corona, California

“landlord won’t clean trash in back yard what can i do corona california” (4/2/08)

Withhold sex from her? Just brainstorming here . . .