As To Whether You Should Date That Dirty Hippy In Your English 101 Class . . .

“bed bugs in dredlocks” (5/28/08)

. . . there’s your answer.

On Being A Ridiculous Cheapskate And The Consequences Thereof

“when tipping in a restaurant does one include the cost of the bottle of wine?” (5/28/08)

“is 15% tip average to give a waiter for his services” (5/28/08)

All of which leads to:

“how much earn waiter in usa (5/28/08)

Answer: Not much if you consider what the top two douchebags are asking.

Ye Of Little Faith . . .

“can dan smith teach you guitar?” (5/28/08)

Dude, it’s not a matter of “can,” Dan Smith WILL teach you guitar.

You’re Kidding, Right?

“what is a tunnel?” (5/27/08)

Get the hell out of here.

They Act Like Being Dirty Is A Bad Thing . . .

“why are new york subway stations so dirty” (5/27/08)

I don’t know. Let’s ask our friends in D.C.:

This City Room reporter was riding on the Metrorail system in Washington this week when she spotted a poster with a large rat glaring down on her, with the ominous headline, “You gonna eat that?”

This text followed: “Unlike some subway systems (which will remain nameless), you don’t see rats the size of house cats roaming the Metro. Why not? Because we are so strict about eating and drinking in the system. So help us keep the critters away. Please don’t eat or drink on the Metro.”

A subway system that shall remain nameless? Rats the size of house cats? Was the New York subway system the victim of a Page Six-style blind item?

Huh?

“jew man sneaker simpson street bronx” (5/27/08)

Oh, of course, the Jew Man:

The thing that was interesting about shopping for sneakers in the Bronx during my teen years was that we used to take the train all the way from the tip of the North East section of the Bronx to Simpson St. and Freeman St. in the South Bronx. That was where you could buy your sneakers, and Jordache and Sassoon Jeans. Now let me get to the interesting part. We used to call every store in that section, or at least two of them, Jew Man. Now this is meant as no offense to anyone, but I suppose the proprietors were Jewish. But the thing was if something cost $35 and you only had $30, you could do what we call in New York, Jew them down, to $30. Again, no offense meant. It was cool to come back to the block and ask someone what they paid for their gear and to boast that you got the same thing for a lower price.

Not To Sound Fuddy-Duddy, But What’s This Generation Coming To?

“how to pickpocket at school” (5/26/08)

And for added effectiveness, why not try the special ed kids first?

Renewed Interest In The Moles, Gophers, Groundhogs And Prairie Dogs Of NYC

“blank map of the burrows of new york” (5/22/08)

There are more than five, I’m guessing.

The Season Of The Bachelorette Party Is Nigh

“bakery penis cookies” (5/22/08)

How To Tell When The Mets Are On The Road

“douche bags from ny” (5/21/08)

Let’s see . . . yup — the Mets played at Atlanta yesterday.

Me, Tonight? Washing My Hair . . . Again

“making a fun foam chicken mask” (5/20/08)

No thanks, I’ll pass . . .

Yes, Losers Use Drugs, But Even Bigger Losers Google Where To Find Them

“where buy cocaine queens new york” (5/19/08)

What do you think — savvy by omitting Boolean operators or just high?

Lesbians, Blacks And Now Canadians Counted In Tip Calumny

“canadians bad tipping restaurants” (5/19/08)

As for why or whether this is true, I don’t know. Maybe ask Yahoo.

Yeesh . . .

“body set on fire found by macombs dam bridge” (5/19/08)

What — You Want Backstory, Too?

“who are terry malloy’s parents?” (5/14/08)

OK, OK, here goes: Mother is a ticket agent, specializing in one-way travel Palooka-ville; father — country doctor.

Time Was, You Had To Do Some Legwork . . .

“happy ending massages in brooklyn” (5/13/08)

. . . but in this day and age in which anything and everything can be accessed from an iPhone, people have gotten lazy.

Remind Me To Be “Washing My Hair” That Night . . .

“can you use any cheese in a souffle” (5/12/08)

Well, I might not use cream cheese, but other than that, you’re probably OK.

So Stuck Up!

“cos i simply the best better than all the rest” (5/12/08)

What, Do You Want To Send Them Your Resume?

“zip code for jamaica ny by strip club where sean bell was killed” (5/12/08)

Just so you know, business has been off lately . . . but it’s 11435.

Please, Turn Off The Computer, Put On Some Shoes And Take A Walk Somewhere Outside With The Rest Of Us Here In The Real World

“mermaid body an face under water in real life found in jamaica” (5/9/08)

You’re hallucinating, man!

Annoying Like Your Roommate Forgetting To Buy Toilet Paper Or Annoying Like Genocide?

“what is the most annoying thing that someone could do to you?” (5/7/08)

Repeatedly ask the same dumb question! Next!

You Mean Besides Stealing Mine And Cleaning Out Your Ears With It?

“what irritating thing can you do with a pen” (5/6/08)

How about write the lyrics to “December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night)”?

Where Jack Bauer Hangs In His Downtime

“son of a bitch club” (5/5/08)

You don’t by any chance mean S.O.B’s, do you? That’s as in “Sounds of Brazil” . . .

A Sensational Pass!

“marv albert threesom with a guy?” (5/5/08)

Uh . . . I’m good, thanks. Maybe some other time.

Ack! Again!

“medical reason for urine to smell fishy” (5/4/08)

I see this is important. Please disregard my earlier post and let me be clearer in pointing you in the right direction . . .

Thanks, Now I Will Have “Cystitis” Stuck In My Head All Day

“fishy urine” (5/4/08)

Ew. Double ew.

For Leading Economic Indicators, Czech Sex

“czech sex morale” (5/4/08)

If I were to guess, low in the waning days of communism, then a spike after 1989, with numbers flattening since.

As Gas Prices Go Through The Roof . . .

“is it possible to walk the east side of manhattan?” (5/4/08)

Thanks to sidewalks, generously provided by the city, this is in fact possible.

Makes Moot The Old Adage About Always Wearing Clean Underwear

“do you crap your pants after o before you have a heart attack?” (5/4/08)

It of course depends on how badly your heart has been broken.

As The Great Howard Jones Once Sang, “Things Can Only Get Better”

“what comes out of pores when meth detox purple” (5/2/08)

Ew . . . sucks to be you . . .