Furk Off, Perv!

“dog furking” (7/30/08)

If you see my dog roaming around, please, please do not try to furk him!

Remind Me To Suggest Takeout Next Time I Come Over For Dinner

“raw chicken smells fishy is it good?” (7/23/08)

Yes, that’s exactly how it should smell.

Marlins Fans Getting A Little Big For Their Britches . . .

“beat the mets beat the mets step right up and beat the mets” (7/23/08)

This from a team that owes its glory to Wayne Huizinga’s fortune. This from a team that draws 4,000 fewer spectators than the Pirates, lending a literal definition to “fair weather fan” (would you want to watch a day game in Miami in the middle of August?). How about an attendance of 375 last September?

This does not mean that Billy Wagner doesn’t have some serious explaining to do, by the way.

Practice Saying It Now So You Won’t Sound Like Such A Slacker When You Reveal It To Her Later . . .

“i like to smoke pot” (7/22/08)

I can tell!

When Is It OK To Hit On The Help?

“leave your email address for the waiter” (7/22/08)

Unless he’s working on the Obama campaign in his spare time, inadvisable.

It’s Festival Season Again!

“crotch festival” (7/21/08)

Festival promoters note:

The Crotch Festival is a four-day, multi-stage camping festival held on a beautiful 700-acre farm in Manchester, Tennessee every June. CF 2008 brings together some of the best crotches in the country, along with dozens of crotches in complementary styles such as jazz, Americana, hip-hop, electronica, and just about any contemporary crotch you can think of. In addition to dozens of epic performances, the festival’s 100-acre entertainment village buzzes around the clock with attractions and activities including a classic arcade, on-site cinema, silent disco, comedy club, theater performers, a beer festival, and a music technology village. For its peaceful vibe, near-flawless logistics, and unrivaled entertainment options, Rolling Stone magazine named this revolutionary entertainment experience one of the 50 moments that changed the history of the country.

Trust Me, It’s Not As Easy As It Looks

“where would be a good place to ask a boy for a blowjob” (7/16/08)

Definitely not Riyadh, I can say that much. Also, I’m not sure they really appreciate being approached with such a request in, say, the right field bleachers at Yankee Stadium. And although things have changed in recent years, it’s still not yet considered appropriate to inquire about oral sex in playgrounds or arcades. My suggestion is to start small — think the bathroom in the library at your local university, or perhaps the train station on a Sunday morning — then work up from there.

Conducted, Condensed And Edited For Your Pleasure

“deborah solomon is obnoxious” (7/16/08)

Concur.

Rate My Professors Has Gone Too Far

“richard bulliet sexy” (7/13/08)

Dr. Bulliet, I respectfully suggest that you should please quit spreading this meme . . .

Not To Sound Snarky, But You Just Answered Your Own Question

“location the cathedral of saint patrick located on fifth avenue between 50th and 51st streets in new york city” (7/13/08)

Nevertheless, we’re here to support you.

Of Course Dressing Up The Simple Pleasure Of Sodium Chloride Is Like Gilding The Lily, But Since You Asked . . .

“himalayan rock salt uses” (7/10/08)

Impressing pretentious foodies, to start.

Who Do You Think You Are, Pablo Escobar?

“how do you build a homemade indoor pistol range” (7/10/08)

First step, keep it way far away from the boiler . . .