What’s The Matter With Kids These Days?

“my 5 year old got suspended for verbal harassment” (11/24/08)

Sorry to hear it — maybe there’s a problem with adults, too . . .

Wish I Could Tell You

“why are there so many goddamn fire trucks on beekman place in brooklyn” (11/24/08)

Not sure — anyone?

For The Love Of Pete, Don’t Overcook My Turkey!

“what temperature should i take turkey out” (11/23/08)

Read Joy of Cooking, go easy on the breast, remember that the internal temperature will rise 5 to 10 degrees after it comes out of the over.

I Don’t Know, Is She Still Single?

“should i take the turkey out now” (11/23/08)

Yes, yes, now! Oh wait — we’re still several days away, aren’t we?

Isn’t It A Little Premature For That?

“when should i throw out my turkey?” (11/23/08)

I usually throw mine out when it repeatedly ignores curfew, or if I find that it has stolen my jewelry to buy meth.

Ah, Yes, That Guy — He Was Hanged To Death On Big Rock Candy Mountain Some Time Ago

“who invented work?” (11/22/08)

Pol Pot. Adolf Hitler. Benjamin Franklin.

Work has a thousand fathers.

I’m Still At A Loss To Figure Out Why Spinach Jerky Never Caught On

“how to cook spinach and it not be watery” (11/22/08)

Try the barbecue?

You Mean, Besides The Butterball-Perdue-Foster Farms Cabal?

“why were the pilgrims unable to catch any fish?” (11/22/08)

I think they were all loaded on beer.

What, Is Wikipedia Closed Over The Weekend Or Something?

“what do you know about the roosevelt avenue bridge” (11/22/08)

Not a lot, to be honest.

The Burning Questions

“what bus goes to sizzler on forest hills” (11/22/08)

The Q54 from either Williamsburg, Brooklyn or Jamaica, Queens or the Q23 that runs straight to East Elmhurst, right by LaGuardia (convenient!).

On The Importance Of Being Specific

“just kid sex” (11/20/08)

[Shakes head; chin falls to chest]

Choose Life!

“jumping off the george washington bridge” (11/20/08)

Don’t do it!

Are We Really Googling The Voiceover Script For Gossip Girl?

“a house in the hamptons but happiness does not seem to be on the menu so smoke up and seal the deal with blair because you’re” (11/18/08)

Really . . . really?

Um, For One, There Was That Whole “Election For Change” . . .

“why are we confident that tunnels stadiums and skyscrapers aren’t going to fall on us” (11/17/08)

Actually, I didn’t know we were that confident . . .

Turning Trolling For Sex Online Into A Teachable Moment

“craigslist.com new york queen elmhurst sex call girls” (11/17/08)

Not to be too much of a buttinsky here, but “sex” and “call girls” are duplicative — after all, do call girls do anything but have sex? — you might want to modify the search to get more and/or better results.

“craigslist.com new york queen elmhurst escort grils to call for sex” (11/17/08)

OK — typos aside (everyone transposes a letter or two, especially in an agitated state), “escort,” “call” and “call for sex” are all fairly duplicative. And since “escort” is basically a euphemism for “has sex for money,” you might want to omit “sex” — after all, if they wanted to use the word they wouldn’t be calling themselves “escorts.” The great thing about The Google is that it’s pretty smart — it tends to figure out what you’re looking for without you having to be too specific!

At Least The Mallomar People Didn’t Pull A Dannon* . . .

“did mallomars get smaller?” (11/16/08)

Seems so. Thanks for bringing it to our attention.

*It’s one thing to make your packaging smaller but quite another to brag about “an exciting new package” . . . grrr!

Please, Sir, Stop Hitting On The Help

“how to nail the bartender interview” (11/16/08)

Not gonna happen, dude; quit fantasizing . . .

It’s Not Difficult, Really

“things you want a restaurant server to bring to your dining experience” (11/11/08)

First and foremost, your meal. After that, let’s talk.

They May Be Douchebags, But That’s No Reason To Treat Them Like Seals

“clubbing douchebags” (11/9/08)

Or perhaps you meant something different?

Please, No Jokes About “Feeds”

“masturbation club blogs” (11/6/08)

Sample post . . . oh never mind . . .

Is Our Children Googling?

“one day a slug fell into a hole that was nineteen meters deep each day he climed up 4 meters at night he slid down 2 meteres how many days did he climb out of the hole?” (10/5/08)

Do the math, lazy-ass!

Is That A Threat Or A Promise?

“magical experience at wolves pond park si” (11/4/08)

I’d prefer not to know, to tell you the truth . . .