What Is It About Pervs And Thursdays?

“watch me naked” (1/29/09)

I don’t know what about me screams “watch me naked” but whatever . . .

“jerk off onto food” (1/29/09)

Whoa! Stop it right there, buddy — now that just crosses a line . . .

The Most Paranoid 24 Viewer Ever

“jack bauer joins mossad” (1/28/09)

Fine, I Won’t

“dont hire marty garins” (1/26/09)

Any context? No? OK . . .

Another Scoop?

“glenn lowry or glenn d lowry or glenn david lowry tishman speyer or jerry speyer or jerry i speyer or denis severis” (1/26/09)

Lowry and Speyer are linked through MoMA (Lowry is the museum’s director and Speyer is the chairman of the museum’s board), but who is Denis Severis?

Weiner Oppo-Research Machine In Action?

“joel klein and wnet celebration 2006″ (1/26/09)

In my Walter Mitty-like fantasy world, I uncover clues in the search referrer logs. Like, Is there something we should know about what Joel Klein said during a WNET PBS “Celebration of Teaching and Learning” video back in 2006?

But more likely, it’s probably nothing . . .

Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200, Go Straight For The MBAs Studying Taxation

“how hot are baruch university girls” (1/22/09)

Duh — all the CUNYs have smokin’ babes . . .

Grandma Says This Every Year And We Never Pay Attention To It . . .

“do not want to have a big birthday people annoying me” (1/22/09)

. . . but one day that crazy old bat will probably snap.

Before We Continue, You Should Consider That 63-Year-Old Pete Townshend Once Wrote The Line “I Hope I Die Before I Get Old”

“i hate the elderly” (1/21/09)

And in general the elderly hates impudent little snotnoses who cocoon themselves on the interweb.

A Joke So Easy, It’s Like Shooting . . . Oh, Nevermind

“how did dodos taste” (1/21/09)

PROBABLY LIKE CHICKEN!

OK, I’m done now.

Seriously though — apparently dodo meat tasted bad.

Do You Want The Simple Answer Or The Long One?

“why i can’t win lotto?” (1/20/09)

OK, the simple answer is because you are not only a chump and a sucker but also a loser and everyone knows that only winners get anywhere with lotto.

Is There Any Other Kind?

“ironic hipsters” (1/19/09)

Or do you mean people ironically acting like hipsters? I think my brain just collapsed in on itself.

Try The Revival Of A Chorus Line, You Perv!

“want to see women tap dance wearing three inch heels” (1/19/09)

They’re in Detroit this week. I hear Detroit is nice this time of year.

Things We’ve Got To Work Out In Advance Of The Three-Day Weekend

“what rule of thumb do liquor stores use to judge if a person is pld enough to buy liquor before request to see identification” (1/15/09)

First check the Adam’s apple. If you’re still unable to determine, look at the hands — hands will give it away every time.

Are We Talking Kendall Jackson Reserve Or A 1982 Chateau Lafite?

“what does it mean if he buys expensive bottle of wine on first date” (1/14/09)

It generally means that he can afford an expensive bottle of wine. Either that or he’s a pretentious dolt.

Or that he wants sex.

It’s probably the sex. It usually is.

We Can Hope, Can’t We?

“do mermaids really exist” (1/13/09)

No, but if you play your cards right, I know a hot manatee you can probably make it with.

Nothing Else, Just The Groins

“male groins rubbing against each other clips” (1/11/09)

Try Sports Center — some of those Eagles-Giants 4th down scrums yesterday were pretty heated. Hubba hubba.

Kids These Days . . .

“fuck up peoples shit” (1/09/08)

Yeah, I bet you think that’s real funny, tough guy. Why doncha come and show us whatchu got?

The New Depression . . .

“the upper class has become the new middle class and the middle class has become the new lower class were does the proverty come in all this?” (1/9/08)

That’s a very good question. One I can’t answer in these perilous times . . .

The Only Thing Worse Than A Numismatist Is A Dirty, Filthy Numismatist

“how much does a nickel with a buffalo with its weiner showing cost” (1/8/09)

. . . though to be fair, in my experience they’re frequently one in the same . . .

What’s Notable About Randy Levine’s Nose?

“randy levine nose” (1/7/09)

No really. Is Randy Levine‘s strange or something? You’re making me feel self-conscious.

And Sylvia Plath’s “Daddy” Is Not About Marlin Perkins Either

“is trilby glover the daughter of crispin glover” (1/7/09)

I don’t think Trilby Glover is Crispin Glover‘s daughter (he’s only 44). But you might want to ask Crispin’s cousin Danny about it though . . .