Sounds About As Riveting As The War And Peace Audiobook I Still Have Yet To Upload

“power broker robert moses robert caro audiobook” (3/21/11)

When Is It OK To Hit On The Help?

“leave your email address for the waiter” (7/22/08)

Unless he’s working on the Obama campaign in his spare time, inadvisable.

Who Do You Think You Are, Pablo Escobar?

“how do you build a homemade indoor pistol range” (7/10/08)

First step, keep it way far away from the boiler . . .

Perhaps You Thought New Yorkers Were Stylish?

“limited edition yankees crocs” (6/26/08)

They’ll look great sitting in the closet next to my Mets Uggs.

Don’t Forget Your EZ-Ass

“sex whitestone bridge” (6/10/08)

Is there a worse bridge to have sex on? I can’t think of one.

Right Up The Ol’ Inkwell

“pen in ass” (6/7/08)

There are so many wonderful things human culture has given us, why stop there?

I Think You’re Barking Up The Wrong Tree Here . . .

“song you sing to prove your not drunk” (4/14/08)

. . . because it’s a trick question!

How Should I Know? Ask “Kristen”!

“elliot spitzer shirtless” (3/11/08)

Ew! Why?

Keep The U.S. Out Of My Condiments!

“laws governing the production and sale of hot sauce in nyc” (3/8/08)

Fortunately, not yet — as far as we know!

Cock Your Kilt — Angles Are Attitudes

“i am getting married in scotland and want a sinatra style band” (3/1/08)

[Takes long swig from glass] “You treat a lady like a dame, and a dame like a lady . . .”

Film Pitch As Search Referrer Spam

“four yuppies take a road trip through a small town where they arrested for speeding and find themselves trapped in a judge’s theme park of deadly rides” (2/27/08)

I’d pitch it as a cross between Psycho and The Big Chill but I wouldn’t hold out much hope.

The Wrong Kind Of Energy Drink

“a man in nj died from drinking jet fuel and gatorade” (2/24/08)

Plus, it doesn’t taste particularly good.

Run Screaming Into Traffic And Hope Death Comes Quickly

“what to do if you get scotch bonnet in your eyes?” (2/4/08)

Actually, just calmly remove them, soak them in milk overnight and scrub out the inside of the eyelids to remove remaining capsaicin.

Who Let The Blogs Out?

“dog fucking blogs” (2/2/08)

Three of the most annoying people combined into one: dog lovers, zoophiles and the self-obsessed.

It Doesn’t Cancel The Prediction If The Groundhog Is Hungover

“road trip alcohol groundhog day punxsutawney” (2/1/08)

And for the love of Phil, please don’t drink and drive!

Unless It Suddenly Snowed In Honolulu, Didn’t You Listen To What Your Mother Told You About Proper Footwear?

“wearing flip flops caught in snowstorm” (1/28/08)

Sucks to be you.

Keep Joe Francis Way The Hell Away From Estonia

“baltic area young girls in wildest fuck scenes shown” (1/19/08)

Oh no, it’s Baltic Girls Gone Wild!!

And Can You Recommend Something For My Devil’s Dandruff?

“hair stylist free crack” (1/19/08)

But do you really want your stylist doing crack?

Things That Should Never, Ever Be Photographed Include . . .

“seafood knish photo” (1/16/08)

That sounds horrible. Horrible!

For The Last Time — Unless You Want To Continue To Look Like Kenny Loggins, You Should Really Shave It

“hipster beard” (1/12/08)

“Hipster”-anything is awful, but “hipster beard” is becoming a daily search referrer annoyance that must stop.

How About Nothing Ever Mixed With Sprite Ever Instead?

“vermouth and sprite” (1/10/08)

Apparently this season’s gin and juice . . .