One Of The Key Themes Of Modern Literature, Right Next To Whales And The Bildungsroman

“story about a guy that crapped his pants in a restaurant” (7/6/09)

The Greatest Shart Story Ever Told is hard to beat: “With sweat pouring down his nervous face, he decided to clean up as much as possible, ditch his boxers and roll commando, and try to hide the shart stain for the remainder of the date.”

Remind Me To Hit The Long John Silver Before We Show Up For Dinner

“is tilapia supposed to smell fishy” (5/31/09)

No, but TILAPIA EAT POOP!

What About Me Says “Sniff Foot Party”?

“sniff foot party” (3/26/09)

Is it my Nancy Sinatra album? Is it the odor eaters in my desert boots?

What, WebMD Not Good Enough For You?

“what happens after a failed uterine ablation” (12/2/08)

Golly . . . I don’t know, but it doesn’t sound good.

Frankly, I Don’t Believe This Exists

“sewage swimming sexual fetish” (10/5/08)

And, frankly, I don’t want to live in a world where this exists.

Faces Of Death: Revolutionary War Edition

“pic of nathanhale haged” (9/24/08)

Set aside for the moment the idea that this is gruesome; you’re Googling, so no judgements here! But considering daguerreotypes weren’t invented until the 19th century, this might be a problem.

Big Deal — I Swallow People’s Food

“i spit in peoples food” (8/26/08)

Nice. Assmunch.

Right Up The Ol’ Inkwell

“pen in ass” (6/7/08)

There are so many wonderful things human culture has given us, why stop there?

As To Whether You Should Date That Dirty Hippy In Your English 101 Class . . .

“bed bugs in dredlocks” (5/28/08)

. . . there’s your answer.

Yeesh . . .

“body set on fire found by macombs dam bridge” (5/19/08)

Thanks, Now I Will Have “Cystitis” Stuck In My Head All Day

“fishy urine” (5/4/08)

Ew. Double ew.

As The Great Howard Jones Once Sang, “Things Can Only Get Better”

“what comes out of pores when meth detox purple” (5/2/08)

Ew . . . sucks to be you . . .

Don’t Think You Can Get This By Me By Making It Sound Lacy And Victorian

“ladies piddling” (4/29/08)

It still is what it is!

Oh, Do The Fellas Down At Men’s Wearhouse Have Some Tales For You!

“crap your suit pants stories” (4/21/08)

There seems to be a fetish in there somewhere . . .

Wow, It’s Like Steam Cleaning Your Skin!

“why does black stuff come out of my pores in the sauna?” (4/8/08)

Ew . . . please . . . not here!

Someone Spent Too Much Time With Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life At A Young Age

“stomach rupture fetish” (3/22/08)

Nothing, nothing, nothing surprises me . . .

How Should I Know? Ask “Kristen”!

“elliot spitzer shirtless” (3/11/08)

Ew! Why?

Maybe You Can Also Explain Why My Fish Smells Like Dick . . . Asshat

“my dick smells fishy” (3/6/08)

Ugh. Keep your thoughts to yourself.

Can’t DARPA Somehow Create A Red-Light District For The Web?

“cesarean pornography galleries” (3/2/08)

Please, please tell me you’re joking . . .

The American Spit Take

“jonathan schwartz wnyc mouth sounds wet” (3/1/08)

Does it get any better? Does it? I don’t know!

And You’re Telling Me This Why?

“flushing tampons leak at the overflow pipe downstairs neighbor” (2/2/08)

Maybe suggest they try the DivaCup?

Who Let The Blogs Out?

“dog fucking blogs” (2/2/08)

Three of the most annoying people combined into one: dog lovers, zoophiles and the self-obsessed.

A Real Trojan Horse

“found filled condom as a threat in apartment nyc” (1/30/08)

Horrible. Horrible.

More Proof That You Should Never, Ever Trust Alan Cumming To Do What He Says He’s Going To Do

“cumming inside a woman after promising to pullout” (1/29/08)

But the real question is how he got in there in the first place . . .

What’s The Dilly Yo?

“staph infection and pickles” (1/25/08)

I really really wish you hadn’t said anything . . .

Oyster Bar Reservations Suddenly Easy To Come By

“grand central rats running everywhere at night restaurants” (1/19/08)

What Was Wrong With The Mastiff We Sent Over?

“great danes fuckin their elderly female owners free videos photos only” (1/18/08)

Oh god. You’re horrible. And just so you know, truncating gerunds only makes it worse.

How Aunt Helen’s Calistoga Weekend Went Horribly Wrong

“how to get filthy in a mud bath while wearing your clothes socks and sneakers” (1/9/08)

If you have to ask . . .

Creep

“masturbating flasher” (1/9/08)

Go the fuck away.

Two Things Most Decent People Don’t Associate With Each Other Are “Fat” And “Porn”

“nyu fat porn” (1/8/08)

Now what did I just say about that?