What People Are Really Searching For: Secret Spot Edition

secluded public restrooms in midtown manhattan (5/12/11)

coney island gay under the boardwalk (5/12/11)

what is the middle of a cheese soufle like (5/12/11)

Perhaps You’re Referring To The Unreleased Bob Dylan Album In Which The Troubadour Collaborates With Modern Pakstani Music Hero Ahmed Rushdi

“pakistan skyline” (3/23/11)

For Taslima, Whenever I May Find Her

“sexy bangladeshi girl in astoria queens new york” (3; 6/3/09)
“bangladeshi sexy girl in astoria queens new york” (6/3/09)

I’m sure she’s out there, my friend . . .

Two And A Half Actors . . .

“what is ramon estevez doing now?” (4/13/09)

Let’s see . . . I don’t think he’s a manager at Best Buy. Filmwise, looks like not much. Ramon, tell your agent to call us and fill us in and we’ll pass along the info.

Since Old Fashioneds Have Been Rehabilitated . . .

“drinks needed to know to bartend an older crowd” (3/23/09)

Two words for you: Wine. Spritzer.

Remind Me — Again — To Make Sure Thanksgiving Is At Our Place This Year

“is there a sack in the turkey you have to pull out?” (3/18/09)

Yes . . . now please find it!

In My Fantasy World, A Lazy Novelist Scours The Web For Colorful Details

“which school on staten island do italian girls go to?” (1/30/09)

But that’s probably not the case here.

A Joke So Easy, It’s Like Shooting . . . Oh, Nevermind

“how did dodos taste” (1/21/09)

PROBABLY LIKE CHICKEN!

OK, I’m done now.

Seriously though — apparently dodo meat tasted bad.

Is There Any Other Kind?

“ironic hipsters” (1/19/09)

Or do you mean people ironically acting like hipsters? I think my brain just collapsed in on itself.

In The Eternal Words Of Dennis Green, “They Are Who We Thought They Were”

“who is they?” (9/1/08)

On Labor Day, perhaps idling at the beach, iPhone in hand, we ask ourselves the tough existential questions . . .

Please, Turn Off The Computer, Put On Some Shoes And Take A Walk Somewhere Outside With The Rest Of Us Here In The Real World

“mermaid body an face under water in real life found in jamaica” (5/9/08)

You’re hallucinating, man!

A Sensational Pass!

“marv albert threesom with a guy?” (5/5/08)

Uh . . . I’m good, thanks. Maybe some other time.

The Existential Link That Saves You From Falling In The Drink

“what is the most important bridge” (4/9/08)

Whichever one you’re on!

Perhaps They Got Confused Because Passover Is Late This Year?

“gang initiation day easter 2008 time square” (3/25/08)

Did it not happen this year? Is the absence of news still news? Or did it still happen this year?

Where Did You Come From, Where Did You Go?

“cotton eyed joe meaning” (3/25/08)

For the answer, please return to the Tao Te Ching: “The more you go in search of an answer, the less you will understand.”

Actually, the real meaning is something along the lines of “Dance, Yobbo, Dance, For Mariano Will Close Out The Visiting Team After We Get Up To Bat.”

I Just Don’t Think The Department Of Labor Keeps This Data . . .

“statistics of people who spit in food” (3/18/08)

Nervous, aren’t we?

I can’t say for sure, as it’s not been established as firmly as the fact that the last five percent of a beverage is backwash, for example.

This Could Go In A Couple Different Directions

“what your crap says” (3/16/08)

It could be, you know, a “What’s Your Poo Telling You?” kind of thing.

Then again, maybe just they’re accusing you of thinking your shit don’t stink . . .

Watch Out, Jerry “Tark the Shark” Tarkanian Is Back In The Game!

“what percent oy people are over 7 feet tall” (3/13/08)

Good question. Try here first. Not sure where else to look.

Pile On, Pile On

“did eliot spizter ever wear a dress years ago” (3/11/08)

Obviously! Especially if he was bedding trannies.

An Electroneroticist?

“what a person is called if they ave a sexual fetish for electronics” (2/29/08)

How about just David Pogue?

Someone Might Be Willing To Offer Their Basement For That . . .

“brooklyn halls rooms for wedding receptions in brooklyn new york city for under $700 dollars that do not require catering” (2/28/08)

How long are you willing to drive? Philadelphia? Some even say it’s the sixth borough . . .

Sexually Crotchety

“sexual crotch” (2/23/08)

Which is different than the other kind of crotch, usually associated with decidedly unsexy topics such as “groin pulls”.

That’s Why I Prefer You Have It Go In My Planter

“can a dog be electrocuted by urinating on a metal light post” (2/7/08)

Only if ConEd fucks up . . .

Which Came First, The Bridge Or The Eye-talians?

“what was the percent of italians in the population of staten island before and after the verrazano narrows bridge” (2/7/08)

The theory doesn’t hold, racist — quit googling.

You Can’t Just Google Your Way Into Answering Essay Questions, You Know . . .

“world trade center transportation hub designed by santiago calatrava do you think this monument represents the events that occurred on 9/11? why or why not? is this what you envisioned to be placed at ground zero? what did you or could you envision if this is not the piece?” (1/30/08)

You Don’t Mean The Candy, Right?

“i want a suggardaddie” (1/30/08)

I hear you. The world hears you.

The Best Little Whorehouse In Queens

“real whore houses in queens” (1/20/08)

You know, not like those false facade ones like in the Westerns . . .

Yo!

“where are you adrian” (1/18/08)

I don’t know — I seem to have misplaced my Adrian locator . . .

Kids These Days Want To Grow Up So Fast . . .

“growing chest hair quickly” (1/12/08)

Rogaine?

For The Last Time — Unless You Want To Continue To Look Like Kenny Loggins, You Should Really Shave It

“hipster beard” (1/12/08)

“Hipster”-anything is awful, but “hipster beard” is becoming a daily search referrer annoyance that must stop.