Let’s Put Them At Somewhere Between Better Than Winning The Powerball And Worse Than Getting Skin Cancer

“odds of a waiter spitting in your food” (4/27/12)

Only If You’re Looking To Pitch Him As A Baby Model . . .

“is it normal to want to see how big your sons penis iss” (4/19/12)

If We Have Anything To Do With It, Not A Goddamn One

“which nyc bridges walk” (3/14/12)

What Walks On Four Legs In The Morning?

“shit while you eat but remember not to shit where you eat meaning” (3/4/12)

Famous Last Words . . .

“what does the shutoff valve under the sink look like?” (3/4/12) (2)

OK, I’ll tell you just this once . . .

Um, Deliciousness!

“what happens when you mix thickened cream and eggs together?” (7/14/11)

No, They’ll Shake Your Hand And Thank You . . .

“will live lobsters snap at you when you take the rubber bands off” (4/6/11)

Do We Have To? Because I’d Rather Not If That’s OK . . .

“bunnies kissing” (4/6/11)

The Big Questions

“what are the great creation of god?” (11/23/09)

The Grand Canyon, Spanks and all-beef hot dogs — take your pick.

There Are No Stupid Questions, Only Easy Answers

“how to get from lga to queens” (11/19/09)

“why do they call the thrigs neck bridge the thrigs” (11/19/09)

Since LaGuardia Airport is already in Queens, and since they call the Throgs Neck Bridge the Throgs Neck Bridge . . . but to answer your question, it looks like somebody along the way had a lisp.

What Win Butler Hath Wrought

“i’m an artistic hipster college grad should i move to williamsburg or montreal?” (3/26/09)

Magic 8-Ball says “Outlook not so good.”

Like Justice Stewart’s Definition Of Obscenity . . .

“what is a loud bridge and tunnel chick?” (1/31/09)

. . . you know it when you see it.

Props For Trying!

“how can talk a waiter with his customer in english” (1/30/09)

As long as you get our take-out order right, we don’t really have to talk at all . . .

Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200, Go Straight For The MBAs Studying Taxation

“how hot are baruch university girls” (1/22/09)

Duh — all the CUNYs have smokin’ babes . . .

Do You Want The Simple Answer Or The Long One?

“why i can’t win lotto?” (1/20/09)

OK, the simple answer is because you are not only a chump and a sucker but also a loser and everyone knows that only winners get anywhere with lotto.

Are We Talking Kendall Jackson Reserve Or A 1982 Chateau Lafite?

“what does it mean if he buys expensive bottle of wine on first date” (1/14/09)

It generally means that he can afford an expensive bottle of wine. Either that or he’s a pretentious dolt.

Or that he wants sex.

It’s probably the sex. It usually is.

We Can Hope, Can’t We?

“do mermaids really exist” (1/13/09)

No, but if you play your cards right, I know a hot manatee you can probably make it with.

For The Love Of Pete, Don’t Overcook My Turkey!

“what temperature should i take turkey out” (11/23/08)

Read Joy of Cooking, go easy on the breast, remember that the internal temperature will rise 5 to 10 degrees after it comes out of the over.

Isn’t It A Little Premature For That?

“when should i throw out my turkey?” (11/23/08)

I usually throw mine out when it repeatedly ignores curfew, or if I find that it has stolen my jewelry to buy meth.

Please, Sir, Stop Hitting On The Help

“how to nail the bartender interview” (11/16/08)

Not gonna happen, dude; quit fantasizing . . .

Learning Curve: Steep

“i’m opening a restaurant and need to know what percentages to use for tip out” (10/15/08)

Next time please add the address so I know not to eat there for, I don’t know, at least six years.

Remind Me To Suggest Takeout Next Time I Come Over For Dinner

“raw chicken smells fishy is it good?” (7/23/08)

Yes, that’s exactly how it should smell.

Trust Me, It’s Not As Easy As It Looks

“where would be a good place to ask a boy for a blowjob” (7/16/08)

Definitely not Riyadh, I can say that much. Also, I’m not sure they really appreciate being approached with such a request in, say, the right field bleachers at Yankee Stadium. And although things have changed in recent years, it’s still not yet considered appropriate to inquire about oral sex in playgrounds or arcades. My suggestion is to start small — think the bathroom in the library at your local university, or perhaps the train station on a Sunday morning — then work up from there.

6 Train To Astor Place, Walk East One Block

“how do i get to st marks place in the village?” (6/26/08)

Welcome, seasonal visitors!

Googling From The Loading Dock

“how many chickens fit on a tractor trailer” (6/25/08)

I don’t know — are we talking free-range levels or clown-car levels?

Where Do You Think We Are, Saudi Arabia?

“can a woman become a bar back and bartender” (6/2/08)

As we know from Senator Clinton’s groundbreaking campaign for the Democratic nomination, a woman can be whatever she wants to be!

Ye Of Little Faith . . .

“can dan smith teach you guitar?” (5/28/08)

Dude, it’s not a matter of “can,” Dan Smith WILL teach you guitar.

You’re Kidding, Right?

“what is a tunnel?” (5/27/08)

Get the hell out of here.

They Act Like Being Dirty Is A Bad Thing . . .

“why are new york subway stations so dirty” (5/27/08)

I don’t know. Let’s ask our friends in D.C.:

This City Room reporter was riding on the Metrorail system in Washington this week when she spotted a poster with a large rat glaring down on her, with the ominous headline, “You gonna eat that?”

This text followed: “Unlike some subway systems (which will remain nameless), you don’t see rats the size of house cats roaming the Metro. Why not? Because we are so strict about eating and drinking in the system. So help us keep the critters away. Please don’t eat or drink on the Metro.”

A subway system that shall remain nameless? Rats the size of house cats? Was the New York subway system the victim of a Page Six-style blind item?

Yes, Losers Use Drugs, But Even Bigger Losers Google Where To Find Them

“where buy cocaine queens new york” (5/19/08)

What do you think — savvy by omitting Boolean operators or just high?