One Martini On The Rock, Coming Right Up!

“how to make martini on the rock” (4/1/08)

Not difficult. First, fill a cocktail shaker with ice — easy. Then, a little trickier, anywhere from a splash of dry vermouth to a 1:8 ratio of vermouth and gin or, if you prefer, vodka. If vodka, feel free to shake vigorously. If gin, you should really stir it.

OK, so that wasn’t bad. But a really good “martini on the rock” — and here’s the hard part — requires a consultation with the Algonquin’s on-site jeweler and about $10,000.

Where Did You Come From, Where Did You Go?

“cotton eyed joe meaning” (3/25/08)

For the answer, please return to the Tao Te Ching: “The more you go in search of an answer, the less you will understand.”

Actually, the real meaning is something along the lines of “Dance, Yobbo, Dance, For Mariano Will Close Out The Visiting Team After We Get Up To Bat.”

In Other Words, “Be Hot”

“how to get a waiter server position without experience” (3/22/08)

Easy . . . lie. Or “embellish” your resume (ask Senator Clinton about that.)

You Waited Until Acceptance Letters Went Out To Figure That Out?

“is nyu an ivy league college” (3/22/08)

Not to worry, I think it’s safely in the realm of “Ivy League or Similar” . . .

Oh Yeah, Just Turn Right Onto The Cross-Bronx And Follow It 200 Miles Until You Reach Something That Says “New Haven,” Then . . .

“is times square in manhattan” (3/18/08)

Indeed, it is. Now which one do you think is the money card?

But Note, I Didn’t Say They Will Never Go Bad . . . How About We Settle On Six Months In The Fridge?

“why pickled eggs don’t go bad?” (3/17/08)

Vinegar, acetic acid, kills microbes, etc., etc., vinegar is very versatile, blah, blah, Nigella Lawson ate 30 of them on a bet.

Imagine, People In Philly Actually Cleaning Out The Cupboard!

“do tasty cakes have an expiration date” (2/28/08)

No, that’s the point of the “K” . . .

One, Replace Alpo With A Hearty Fiber Cereal, Then Two, Bundle Up To Get Ready For A Nice, Long Walk

“what can be given to a dog who passes such a horrible gas odor?” (2/24/08)

You mean besides rat poison?

What Happens On The Corner Of 53rd And Sixth Stays On The Corner Of 53rd And Sixth

“how many calories in chicken gyro from truck in nyc” (2/21/08)

Don’t ask . . .

The Meaning Of Charity

“are the contributions to i35 bridge victims tax deductible” (2/8/08)

And here you thought that Americans weren’t the most charitable people in the world . . .

Now We Know Who Not To Cheat Off Of During That Big Physics Exam

“why is it that a cat that accidentally falls from the top of a 50 story building hits a safety net below no faster than if it fell from the 20th story” (2/6/08)

Still, please don’t try it.

Bridge Walking . . . I’ve Heard Of It

“how do you walk over the queensborough bridge?” (2/6/08)

One step at a time . . .

Not That There’s Anything Wrong With It . . .

“is bobby knight gay?” (2/5/08)

Don’t think so. He’s twice married with two sons. Maybe the bright red sweater fooled you?

But Is It Really So Wrong? Is It?

“is it wrong to take items from a restaurant table?” (2/4/08)

No, not at all — after all, it’s not like you’re stealing or anything. And while we’re at it, if you decide you don’t like your meal, feel free to walk out without paying.

What, Do I Look Like Fucking Rupert Holmes Now?

“how long do you blend a pina colada” (2/4/08)

Uh, until it’s mixed?

If You’re Gonna Play The Game, Boy, Ya Gotta Learn To Play It Right

“why do people play poker?” (2/2/08)

The hats and sunglasses. Definitely.

But How Will He Feel Knowing That You Found His Name On Google?

“catchy names for a male parakeet” (1/31/08)

“Tweety” not good enough for you? “Keeter Sutherland”?

Where Did He Say He Was? The International House Of Pancakes?

“what is weird sweet smell on my husband” (1/28/08)

Lady . . .

Do The Math

“how much is 250 square feet?” (1/23/08)

Um, about 250 square feet?

What’s Arbitrary About An Animal That Has Both “Pee” And “Cock” In Its Name?

“peacock feather attraction arbitrary or iconic” (1/22/08)

Iconic! Please, Fool!

What Is It You Don’t Understand About “Island”?

“how can you get to connecticut from staten island by train?” (1/22/08)

How do we put this? Unless you expand your definition of “train” to include “ferry” or “bus,” you can’t.

That said, if you board the ferry at St. George, close your eyes, click your heels and hum “choo-choo” under your breath, you can disembark — er, change trains at Whitehall, walk to Bowling Green and take a 4 or 5 train to Grand Central where you can catch a Metro-North train.

You Mean The Legitimate One Or The One That Landed You In The Clink In The First Place?

“how can i restart my career after a felony” (1/21/08)

Trust me, it’s not easy. But if you run into trouble, you can always try Philadelphia . . .

Pining For The Bad Old Days

“find female street prostitutes in new york near times square” (1/18/08)

Sadly, I’m afraid those days are long gone . . .

A Group Of Lesbian Bill Murray Fans In Brooklyn?

“caddy shack lesbian club park slope nyc” (1/17/08)

I think you mean Cattyshack, as in . . . never mind.

Five Unexcused Absences And You’re Placed On Probation . . .

“can i be kicked out of condo for skipping co op meetings” (1/15/08)

You mean you somehow have something better to do?

A Chemical Spills In The Hallway Of Your Apartment . . .

Do you A) seal the door frame and open the windows; B) leave the building; or C) go over to the laptop, load up a search page and check to see how much time you have? Try “C”:

“how many minutes for chemical fumes to seep into apt doors if spilled in hallway” (1/13/08)

Probably less time than it takes for google to return search results from “how many minutes for chemical fumes to seep into apt doors if spilled in hallway” . . .

Just To Be Safe, I’ll Look It Up . . .

“penn station cocaine canine amounts as small” (1/12/08)

No, it’s true — even the teeniest amounts! Cops could arrest any of us for the dollar bills in our wallets!