“milbank tweed drug test” (3/12/08) . . . the bad news is you have to cut your hair . . . all of it.

“masturbating while parked in your own car and charged for lewdness is considerd what degree of misdeameanor if found guilty” (3/11/08) . . . just asking for a friend, that is.

“my dick smells fishy” (3/6/08) Ugh. Keep your thoughts to yourself.

“cesarean pornography galleries” (3/2/08) Please, please tell me you’re joking . . .

“craigslist.com fucking cock single woman deaf” (3/1/08) Look, this is the second time I’ve seen this one and I just want you to know that I’m not happy about it . . .

“crack rock she lit crack pipe sizzled pleasure” (2/28/08) . . . Oh, what a relief it is . . .

“saw penis jerking off man sitting subway” (2/26/08) It’s usually the other way around, no? Regardless, it shouldn’t have happened.

“when i was 16 i boght my first mersadies benz must have fucked 1000 bitches and they girlfreinds” (2/11/08) And they said you wouldn’t amount to anything after you dropped out of school at 14!

“is it wrong to take items from a restaurant table?” (2/4/08) No, not at all — after all, it’s not like you’re stealing or anything. And while we’re at it, if you decide you don’t like your meal, feel free to walk out without paying.

“dog fucking blogs” (2/2/08) Three of the most annoying people combined into one: dog lovers, zoophiles and the self-obsessed.