Even If I Knew I Probably Still Wouldn’t Tell You

“how can i get address for sex club in brooklyn” (3/25/11)

Best Case, You’re On Acid

“masturbating forest” (3/12/11)

But honestly, I don’t want to think about the worst case . . .

The Sad Thing About Youth Is . . .

“22 year old firefighter michael biserta of brooklyn’s” (11/30/09)

Oh, what we pine for . . . you know he’s 25 now, right?

What About Me Says “Sniff Foot Party”?

“sniff foot party” (3/26/09)

Is it my Nancy Sinatra album? Is it the odor eaters in my desert boots?

I Don’t Know What This Means But I Don’t Like It

“celebrity ankles” (3/25/09)

There is a fetish — and a fetish website — for everything.

What Is It About Pervs And Thursdays?

“watch me naked” (1/29/09)

I don’t know what about me screams “watch me naked” but whatever . . .

“jerk off onto food” (1/29/09)

Whoa! Stop it right there, buddy — now that just crosses a line . . .

Try The Revival Of A Chorus Line, You Perv!

“want to see women tap dance wearing three inch heels” (1/19/09)

They’re in Detroit this week. I hear Detroit is nice this time of year.

Nothing Else, Just The Groins

“male groins rubbing against each other clips” (1/11/09)

Try Sports Center — some of those Eagles-Giants 4th down scrums yesterday were pretty heated. Hubba hubba.

You Know What They Say About Astronomers . . .

“fuck girl in aas” (12/13/08)

Someone in the American Astronomical Society? That’s weird. But it’s your fetish — whatever.

Talk About Redundant!

“sex staten” (12/4/08)

Simple. Straightforward. I like it.

A Cruise On The Ferry, The Zoo, A Stroll Through The Mall And . . .

“hard to believe that there are not woman out there who would not like to spend time an afternnoon having fun sex in staten island” (12/3/08)

Yes, I agree — it’s so so hard to fathom that one . . .

Turning Trolling For Sex Online Into A Teachable Moment

“craigslist.com new york queen elmhurst sex call girls” (11/17/08)

Not to be too much of a buttinsky here, but “sex” and “call girls” are duplicative — after all, do call girls do anything but have sex? — you might want to modify the search to get more and/or better results.

“craigslist.com new york queen elmhurst escort grils to call for sex” (11/17/08)

OK — typos aside (everyone transposes a letter or two, especially in an agitated state), “escort,” “call” and “call for sex” are all fairly duplicative. And since “escort” is basically a euphemism for “has sex for money,” you might want to omit “sex” — after all, if they wanted to use the word they wouldn’t be calling themselves “escorts.” The great thing about The Google is that it’s pretty smart — it tends to figure out what you’re looking for without you having to be too specific!

Please, No Jokes About “Feeds”

“masturbation club blogs” (11/6/08)

Sample post . . . oh never mind . . .

When “Feed” Means “Alpo” . . .

“fucking dog blogs” (10/19/08)

I agree — who cares what dogs think?

On A Related Note, May Is Skin Cancer Detection and Prevention Month

“naked women at gantry state park” (10/15/08)

You’re experiencing an urban mirage; the sight of women in bikinis and men in Brazilian sungas at city parks begs a doubletake — but rest assured that they are not actually naked, only weird for enjoying the park in a swimsuit.

Syntax, People!

“jamaican fuck dog in” (10/14/08)

Meaning . . . what?

Oh No, The Return Of The Infrastructure Fetishists!

“fucking on top of a bridge” (10/1/08)

And civil engineers do it with an erection!

And for further reference, more “[Blanks] do it with . . .” constructions than you would ever, ever, ever in a million years want to see at your local Spencer’s.

Wouldn’t You Like To Know?

“is nypd actively monitoring craigslist for prostitutes?” (9/17/08)

More evidence of a bad economy?

In Dire Economic Times, Web Users Go Straight For The Porn

“14 year old boys in jim with bulges in pants stories” (9/17/08)

But where is “jim”?

Ugh . . . You Foundation Fetishists Are The Worst

“sexy philanthropist” (9/2/08)

Class war now!

Furk Off, Perv!

“dog furking” (7/30/08)

If you see my dog roaming around, please, please do not try to furk him!

This Is Your Idea Of Sweet Talk?

“i can see you you left your hair undone i can feel you” (6/18/08)

Ew! Creep!

There’s A Fetish For Everyone

“staten island girl naked” (6/18/08)

Something with the Goethals Bridge in the background, mayhaps?

Don’t Forget Your EZ-Ass

“sex whitestone bridge” (6/10/08)

Is there a worse bridge to have sex on? I can’t think of one.

Time Was, You Had To Do Some Legwork . . .

“happy ending massages in brooklyn” (5/13/08)

. . . but in this day and age in which anything and everything can be accessed from an iPhone, people have gotten lazy.

Don’t Think You Can Get This By Me By Making It Sound Lacy And Victorian

“ladies piddling” (4/29/08)

It still is what it is!

I Prefer “With” To “To,” If You Don’t Mind

“i want to do rude stuff with or to your bottom” (4/22/08)

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

It Depends On What The Meaning Of The Word ‘Is’ Is

“suck on my pen” (4/15/08)

Quill or ballpoint? And why would you want that?

Because There’s Nothing Sexier Than A Blogger And An Environmentalist

“environmentalist sex blog” (4/5/08)

It takes all, all kinds . . .

Rudie Can’t Tail

“i want to do really rude things with your bottom” (3/24/08)

You’ll do no such thing as long as I can help it!