Makes Me Want To Cry A Little

“i say i’m okay but it’s all a charade” (2) (4/7/11)

And this came in not just once but twice . . . give this person a hug!

For God’s Sake, Don’t Assume You Can Still Eat Any Old Thing You Forgot About For So Long In The Crisper!

“lily bulbs smell bad and are wet” (3/27/11)

Admit It!

“the new yankee stadium sucks” (4/15/09)

Sorry to hear that . . . and to think they haven’t even opened it yet!

And Here You Assumed That The Ramifications Of “Bowling Alone” Were Mitigated By Applications Like Facebook

“is it ok to have a passover seder by yourself” (4/6/09)

Yes, but how do you hide the afikomen?

(This makes me want to cry . . .)

Before We Continue, You Should Consider That 63-Year-Old Pete Townshend Once Wrote The Line “I Hope I Die Before I Get Old”

“i hate the elderly” (1/21/09)

And in general the elderly hates impudent little snotnoses who cocoon themselves on the interweb.

Advice? You’ve Come To The Right Place!

“i slept with him on the first date now what do i do?” (12/14/08)

In order of preference:

• Surely don’t beat yourself up — giving a young man sex on the first date is a very generous thing to do, especially during the holiday season and especially during this fraught economic climate
• Call him up — you should have done this before Sunday Night Football, but at any rate, do it today! — for a second date
• Marry him . . . duh!

A Cruise On The Ferry, The Zoo, A Stroll Through The Mall And . . .

“hard to believe that there are not woman out there who would not like to spend time an afternnoon having fun sex in staten island” (12/3/08)

Yes, I agree — it’s so so hard to fathom that one . . .

A Frustration Dream Of The Highest Order

“what does it mean when i dream i was the worst waiter ever” (11/30/08)

Add to the fact that you failed as a server and you can see where in the depths of your psyche this type of frustration dream is headed.

What’s The Matter With Kids These Days?

“my 5 year old got suspended for verbal harassment” (11/24/08)

Sorry to hear it — maybe there’s a problem with adults, too . . .

Big Deal — I Swallow People’s Food

“i spit in peoples food” (8/26/08)

Nice. Assmunch.

Perry Mason, Atticus Finch . . . And You Staring At A Computer

“why did i go to law school” (6/11/08)

What, you mean it wasn’t to hone your “find and replace” word processing skills for seven years until you don’t make partner?

Yes, Yes, Come To Mommy

“i will jump in a garbage truck diapers” (4/22/08)

Hells yeah you will!

Get Up, Get Out Of Your Chair And Go Meet Someone!

“i m desperate and lonely” (4/8/08)

Aw . . . boo hoo . . .

Maybe You Can Also Explain Why My Fish Smells Like Dick . . . Asshat

“my dick smells fishy” (3/6/08)

Ugh. Keep your thoughts to yourself.

Donovan Knows His Way Around The Internet!

“marijuana makes me sing fucked up songs” (3/3/08)

The Only Golf Club In America Where They Don’t Bother Hushing Each Other

“i worked in inwood country club last year and it was horrible” (2/11/08)

I know — all day it’s planes, planes, planes.

And For The Record, My Name Is Not Yo

“yo i just stabbed some kid” (1/23/08)

Oh. Real nice. And then you feel the need to brag about it in front of the children . . . you’re a piece of work.

Google As Confession Booth

“fucked a girl name dawn from staten island” (1/15/08)

Ah, Dawn . . . I remember her fondly . . .