No Regrets!

“why was nathan hale hanged?” (5/18/11)

It was when the British realized that they were dealing with someone with but one life to lose, as opposed to, say, a cat, in which case they wouldn’t have bothered with such an easy collar.

Picture It As A Giant Talisman That Wards Off Evil Salary Caps

“what is the purpose of the big bat at yankee stadium?” (5/18/11)

Before Eliot Spitzer, The Answer Was “No”

can a steamroller stop (5/12/11)

Unless You’re Feeling Like Jesus, Try One Of The Pedestrian Paths Of The East River Bridges

“how can i walk to manhattan from queens” (3/12/11)

Search Referrers Goes Multilingual

“donde estan los graffitis en ny?” (3/10/11)

OK, plugging in “donde estan los graffitis en ny?” to Google Translate: Ah, I see — “where are the graffiti in ny?” Ask Councilmember Vallone.

One Of The Key Themes Of Modern Literature, Right Next To Whales And The Bildungsroman

“story about a guy that crapped his pants in a restaurant” (7/6/09)

The Greatest Shart Story Ever Told is hard to beat: “With sweat pouring down his nervous face, he decided to clean up as much as possible, ditch his boxers and roll commando, and try to hide the shart stain for the remainder of the date.”

Hang On, Chupi, Chupi, Hang On

“what does chupi mean?” (12/16/08)

I’m pretty sure it’s Fake Italian for something unmentionable that happens to Julian Schnabel in the neighborhood near West 11th Street.

Turning Trolling For Sex Online Into A Teachable Moment

“craigslist.com new york queen elmhurst sex call girls” (11/17/08)

Not to be too much of a buttinsky here, but “sex” and “call girls” are duplicative — after all, do call girls do anything but have sex? — you might want to modify the search to get more and/or better results.

“craigslist.com new york queen elmhurst escort grils to call for sex” (11/17/08)

OK — typos aside (everyone transposes a letter or two, especially in an agitated state), “escort,” “call” and “call for sex” are all fairly duplicative. And since “escort” is basically a euphemism for “has sex for money,” you might want to omit “sex” — after all, if they wanted to use the word they wouldn’t be calling themselves “escorts.” The great thing about The Google is that it’s pretty smart — it tends to figure out what you’re looking for without you having to be too specific!

Then There’s The Obvious . . .

“10 things i never want to here from a waiter” (8/1/08)

OK, here goes:

1) “It’s storming and your bedroom window is open.”

2) “My name is Steve and I have a communicable disease.”

3) “Allow me to prove to you that Miranda July’s 2005 film Me and You and Everyone We Know is worth all the fuss.”

4) The Spice Girls’ 1996 hit “Wannabe,” especially that crazy-making “zigazig ha” portion of the chorus.

5) A defense of skinny ties.

6) Apologies for Neil LaBute’s oeuvre.

7) The phrase “Moist panties.”

8 ) Whining or whimpering.

9) Another cover of CCR’s “Have You Ever Seen The Rain?”

10) “Excuse me sir, but your date is passed out in the restroom.”

Of Course Dressing Up The Simple Pleasure Of Sodium Chloride Is Like Gilding The Lily, But Since You Asked . . .

“himalayan rock salt uses” (7/10/08)

Impressing pretentious foodies, to start.

How About When They Leak?

“annoying thing pens?” (6/10/08)

Or when your boss comes in and takes yours, then starts to chew on it. Both are annoying.

Me, Tonight? Washing My Hair . . . Again

“making a fun foam chicken mask” (5/20/08)

No thanks, I’ll pass . . .

Annoying Like Your Roommate Forgetting To Buy Toilet Paper Or Annoying Like Genocide?

“what is the most annoying thing that someone could do to you?” (5/7/08)

Repeatedly ask the same dumb question! Next!

You Mean Besides Stealing Mine And Cleaning Out Your Ears With It?

“what irritating thing can you do with a pen” (5/6/08)

How about write the lyrics to “December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night)”?

Staten Island’s Musical Legacy

“who played at the paramount theatre on staten island” (5/2/08)

Mission of Burma’s last show before reforming 19 years later was at the Paramount in 1983.

Works Every Time

“what to do if busser isnt getting fair share from waiter” (4/23/08)

Simple: Have your friends wait outside the restaurant and club him on the knee so he can’t work for a week or two, then suggest to the manager that you fill in for him.

Oh, Don’t Worry, I Will

“describe something which you find annoying” (3/29/08)

When you don’t get the Saturday paper delivered — the one with all the advance sections from the Sunday paper — and then when you tell the paper that you didn’t get your Saturday paper, they only credit you for the cost of the Saturday paper, not counting all the Sunday stuff, which means that you don’t get your full Sunday paper either.

Short Of Cooking At Home . . .

“how not to get your food spit in” (3/26/08)

. . . you could start by not eating in the dugout . . .

Service At Peter Luger Schlagging?

“does peter lugers hire waiters?” (3/7/08)

No, they hire crusty old men they find loitering next to the SRO down the street.

But Things Got A Lot Worse When She Tried To Wear The Lawnmower On Her Head . . .

“the woman who mistook her husband for a lawnmower sachs” (3/4/08)

I think you’re thinking of a different title . . .

Search Referrer Jeopardy

“this actor was born on july 12 1938 he is most famous for his role as an obstetrician on his tv show which ran from 1984 1992″ (2/26/08)

Who is Bill Cosby? I’ll take Jello Pitchmen for $400, Alex . . .

Be Firm, Be Polite . . . But Make It Hurt

“what to do if we suspect cub scout treasurer stole money last year” (2/19/08)

Glad you asked . . . I prefer the old good cop/bad cop. Perhaps even capped off with something dramatic, perhaps something along the lines of that great scene in L.A. Confidential. In short, twist the knife in that fucker . . . ram those 12 Core Values right up the bastard’s ass.

J’ai Vu New York, New York U.S.A.!

“what did you expect in the new york before you came here?” (2/4/08)

A cross between J.J. Hunsecker and Monica Geller, I suppose. With bagels and pizza. And much corned beef. And saxophones. So, so many saxophones.

What Axl (And K-Fed!) Hath Wrought

“white men with cornrows” (1/31/08)

It looks horrible, I agree.

You Mean Besides The Fact That You’ll Make Me Late To Work And I’ve Already Gotten To Work Late Like Every Day This Week?

“why we shouldnt pull emrgency cord on subway trains” (1/26/08)

But if you really must know:

The emergency brakes are released when a passenger pulls the dangling cord at either end of the subway car, or when the steel lever attached to the undercarriage of the lead car — called a trip cock — strikes an object lying on the tracks or track bed. Each time this occurs, a train operator must leave the cabin, inspect the tracks under each car and clear any obstacles before beginning the 10-minute process of repressurizing the brakes, according to Jared Lebow, a Transit Authority spokesman. It can take a while.

In most emergencies — when a passenger is ill or caught in the doors — the brake cord should be pulled only to prevent the train from leaving a station, Mr. Lebow said. Passengers shouldn’t pull the cord while the train is in a tunnel, he said, unless a passenger falls onto the tracks.

. . .

The emergency brakes are pressurized to 110 pounds per square inch. Although they won’t stop the train on a dime, they can bring a 400-ton string of cars moving 30 miles an hour to a halt in about 250 feet.

Woof, Woof Woof Woof

“who left the dogs out” (1/22/08)

I had to — that song was making me crazy! Then I figured if they just stayed out, I could eventually get rid of your stupid Baha Men CD.

Beauty Is In The Beady Eye Of The Beholder

“ugly rat” (1/16/08)

Is there any other kind?

Just One?

“obnoxious trend the upper class participates in these days” (1/14/08)

How about taking the locavore movement to stupid extremes? That really gets my goat.