It was when the British realized that they were dealing with someone with but one life to lose, as opposed to, say, a cat, in which case they wouldn’t have bothered with such an easy collar.

OK, plugging in “donde estan los graffitis en ny?” to Google Translate: Ah, I see — “where are the graffiti in ny?” Ask Councilmember Vallone.

The Greatest Shart Story Ever Told is hard to beat: “With sweat pouring down his nervous face, he decided to clean up as much as possible, ditch his boxers and roll commando, and try to hide the shart stain for the remainder of the date.”

I’m pretty sure it’s Fake Italian for something unmentionable that happens to Julian Schnabel in the neighborhood near West 11th Street.

Not to be too much of a buttinsky here, but “sex” and “call girls” are duplicative — after all, do call girls do anything but have sex? — you might want to modify the search to get more and/or better results.

“craigslist.com new york queen elmhurst escort grils to call for sex” (11/17/08)

OK — typos aside (everyone transposes a letter or two, especially in an agitated state), “escort,” “call” and “call for sex” are all fairly duplicative. And since “escort” is basically a euphemism for “has sex for money,” you might want to omit “sex” — after all, if they wanted to use the word they wouldn’t be calling themselves “escorts.” The great thing about The Google is that it’s pretty smart — it tends to figure out what you’re looking for without you having to be too specific!

OK, here goes:

1) “It’s storming and your bedroom window is open.”

2) “My name is Steve and I have a communicable disease.”

3) “Allow me to prove to you that Miranda July’s 2005 film Me and You and Everyone We Know is worth all the fuss.”

4) The Spice Girls’ 1996 hit “Wannabe,” especially that crazy-making “zigazig ha” portion of the chorus.

5) A defense of skinny ties.

6) Apologies for Neil LaBute’s oeuvre.

7) The phrase “Moist panties.”

8 ) Whining or whimpering.

9) Another cover of CCR’s “Have You Ever Seen The Rain?”

10) “Excuse me sir, but your date is passed out in the restroom.”

Impressing pretentious foodies, to start.

Or when your boss comes in and takes yours, then starts to chew on it. Both are annoying.

No thanks, I’ll pass . . .

Repeatedly ask the same dumb question! Next!

How about write the lyrics to “December, 1963 (Oh, What a Night)”?

Mission of Burma’s last show before reforming 19 years later was at the Paramount in 1983.

Simple: Have your friends wait outside the restaurant and club him on the knee so he can’t work for a week or two, then suggest to the manager that you fill in for him.

When you don’t get the Saturday paper delivered — the one with all the advance sections from the Sunday paper — and then when you tell the paper that you didn’t get your Saturday paper, they only credit you for the cost of the Saturday paper, not counting all the Sunday stuff, which means that you don’t get your full Sunday paper either.

. . . you could start by not eating in the dugout . . .

No, they hire crusty old men they find loitering next to the SRO down the street.

I think you’re thinking of a different title . . .