Is This Something We Need To Confront Benny Andersson About?

“supertroopers spit in my food” (3/26/11)

Children Of The Corn II Must Have Been On Cable Or Something This Weekend . . .

“terrance knox what is he doing now” (12/28/08)

I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him yourself?

Sounds Like It Could Be A Movie . . .

“three american boys go prison for killing a man by pushin a hot dog cart down subway stairs” (12/20/08)

Wait — that is a movie!

Let’s Agree To Disagree

“i want to know everything about dye” (12/17/08)

And I can’t think of a more boring topic.

Wish I Could Tell You

“why are there so many goddamn fire trucks on beekman place in brooklyn” (11/24/08)

Not sure — anyone?

What, Is Wikipedia Closed Over The Weekend Or Something?

“what do you know about the roosevelt avenue bridge” (11/22/08)

Not a lot, to be honest.

Well How Would You Play Him?

“i don’t like your bottum” (9/25/08)

If you’re referring to Kevin Kline’s portrayal in the 1999 film version, you’ve come to the wrong place; I wasn’t part of that production.

With The Second Biggest Media Market And Still No NFL Team . . .

“is los angeles stupid?” (9/2/08)

I don’t know. Ask the sex addict.

In The Eternal Words Of Dennis Green, “They Are Who We Thought They Were”

“who is they?” (9/1/08)

On Labor Day, perhaps idling at the beach, iPhone in hand, we ask ourselves the tough existential questions . . .

On Travelling With Djembe, That Seat Hog

“air travel with djembe should i loosen skin?” (6/22/08)

As far as I’m concerned, as long as you’re not bringing anthrax into the country you can do whatever the hell you want with your djembe.

The Official Charge, As I Understand It, Is “Harshing Garrison Keillor’s Mellow”

“what are you charged with when caught doing graffitti in minneapolis” (6/18/08)

Punishable by five to ten years of Prairie Home Companion reruns. You will never look at a Bebop-A-Reebop Rhubarb Pie the same way, sucker.

Remind Me To Be “Washing My Hair” That Night . . .

“can you use any cheese in a souffle” (5/12/08)

Well, I might not use cream cheese, but other than that, you’re probably OK.

Makes Moot The Old Adage About Always Wearing Clean Underwear

“do you crap your pants after o before you have a heart attack?” (5/4/08)

It of course depends on how badly your heart has been broken.

It Depends On What The Meaning Of The Word ‘Is’ Is

“suck on my pen” (4/15/08)

Quill or ballpoint? And why would you want that?

Wow, It’s Like Steam Cleaning Your Skin!

“why does black stuff come out of my pores in the sauna?” (4/8/08)

Ew . . . please . . . not here!

“Landlord won’t clean trash in back yard. What can I do?” –Corona, California

“landlord won’t clean trash in back yard what can i do corona california” (4/2/08)

Withhold sex from her? Just brainstorming here . . .

You Mean Besides The Fact That It Brings Together A Proven Ability To Generate Unprecedented Value-Per-Square-Foot With The Expertise In Research And Analysis Essential For Navigating Today’s Complex Market In A Way That Builds Upon Its Legacy Of Innovation, Empowered By A Meaningfully Expanded Network?

“the dirt on corcoran sunshine marketing group” (3/17/08)

I don’t have it . . . sorry . . . is there something we should know?

Cock Your Kilt — Angles Are Attitudes

“i am getting married in scotland and want a sinatra style band” (3/1/08)

[Takes long swig from glass] “You treat a lady like a dame, and a dame like a lady . . .”

Exclusive: An Inside Look At Christopher Hitchens’ Next Column

“statistics proving men like video games more than women” (2/29/08)

Maybe check here.

Dig Out Your Own Hagstrom, Lazy Ass

“tell me where 8 coleman square is?” (2/25/08)

No, I refuse. Look it up for yourself.

The Latest Drug Craze: Huffing Reading Glasses

“how to get noxious smells from plastic rimmed reading glasses??” (2/19/08)

I’m sympathetic to your plight, and it’s not just the desperation of the dual question marks that makes me feel this way . . .

Why? What For?

“testicles” (1/31/08)

That’s Your Assumption

“euclid ave east new york bad neighborhood” (1/29/08)

I didn’t say that . . .

Nothing In whitepages.com?

“what is michelle williams boerum hill dean st mailing address” (1/24/08)

If you want to send condolences — though I want to stress that it’s probably weird — I think the full address is here.

Hey Man, It’s Like A Trans-Astral Conversation — Get In It!

“tony hemmelgarn is my son how did he get in this conversation?” (1/23/08)

Lady, how am I supposed to know?

February 3rd, Baby — We’re Coming For Your Woman!

“black men are running after you nonblack woman like it is the superbowl everybody else in america is surpassing you” (1/22/08)

Oh please, Tom Brady is overrated anyway.

Excuse Me, Young Man, Might You Be Able To Point Me In The Direction Of Your Bullet-Proof Glass Section?

“bullet proof glass for check cashing business in staten island” (1/12/08)

I guess it’s not really something you just go and ask for at Home Depot . . .

I Can’t Wait To Get On The Road Again . . .

“convicted sex offender at [redacted] sandpiper drive manalapan nj” (1/11/08)

There are websites for that, you know.

Mmm . . . Beer . . .

“are there surveillance cameras at bells beer distributors on front street in south phila” (1/8/08)

Wouldn’t you like to know?