Though When You Put It That Way It Makes It Sound Like He’s Some Kind Of Contortionist

“staten island man craps on ex girlfriends door” (3/31/11)

I know, weird.

Is That A Threat Or A Report?

“bed bugs butler library” (3/23/11)

Ah, I see — a report.

Keep Off The Grass

“did george steinbrenner insult pope benedict ?” (4/21/08)

Depends on what your definition of an insult is . . . there was this:

Pope Benedict XVI’s three days in New York pose logistical challenges beyond making sure that he’s safe.

Among other things, organizers had to widen some footpaths for the popemobile, figure out how to distribute Holy Communion to 57,000 people and teach schoolkids to sing “Happy Birthday” in German.

They also had to promise to keep the pope and everybody else off the grass at Yankee Stadium.

“The Yankees had only one request, and that is that we not touch their grass,” said Mark Ackermann, who is running the Office of the Papal Visit for the New York archdiocese. “The All-Star game will be there this year and of course we’re all confident that the World Series will be there as well. So the Yankees need to keep it in good shape and we’ve been most respectful of that.”

Hey, Be Nice . . .

“beat the mets beat the mets step right up and” (4/8/08)

Poor Mets, losing the last ever home opener at Shea . . .

But It Killed The Other Day At The Open-Mic . . .

“palmyra flee market bombs” (3/17/08)

They did find WWII-era shells on the site of the Tacony-Palmyra Flea Market, but that doesn’t mean you have to run away . . .

With A Capital “T” And That Rhymes With “P” And That Stands For “Prostitute”

“emperors club vip girls trouble?” (3/12/08)

Dude, where have you been the last couple of days?

Pile On, Pile On

“did eliot spizter ever wear a dress years ago” (3/11/08)

Obviously! Especially if he was bedding trannies.

The Dirty Rough Empire Of Eliot Spitzer

“eliot spitzer dirty rough empire prostitute” (3/11/08)

I suppose they’re trying to figure out what constituted “unsafe” practices on the part of the soon-to-be-former governor?

No, Not Even — It Was Actually A Child Prostitution Sting!

“gov elliott spitzer snagged in trannie prostitution charge” (3/11/08)

Wishful thinking . . . I think the facts are a little different.

How Should I Know? Ask “Kristen”!

“elliot spitzer shirtless” (3/11/08)

Ew! Why?

Seat Belt-Wearing Megalomaniac!

“sooner or later you’re going to listen to ralph nader” (2/24/08)

But I don’t have to like it.

Just To Be Clear Here, You’re Talking About Bill, Right?

“clinton ass” (1/28/08)

Definitely.

Chuck Norris As Viral Campaign

“who sued nbc for a trademark violation saying that law & order were copywrited names for his right and left legs” (1/25/08)

Chuck Norris! Though just so you know, it’s a joke:

Action icon Chuck Norris isn’t sure what to make of a hysterical list of “facts” about him making the rounds on the Web. The absurdist send-up, titled “Top 30 Chuck Norris Facts,” lists the butt-kicking B-lister’s imaginary attributes, with particular emphasis on his penchant for delivering roundhouse kicks to the face. Selections include: “Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming ‘Law & Order’ are trademarked names for his left and right legs;” “The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain;” and, “Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.”

The Bills Were Just Fluttering In The Wind Like So Many Butterfly Ballots

“passersby in west palm beach scooped up thousands of dollars that fell out of the pockets of a woman who committed suicide” (1/22/08)

Yes, it’s true:

A woman jumped from an Interstate 95 overpass on Okeechobee Boulevard Friday afternoon and was killed when a white delivery van hit her, a police spokesman said.

Thousands of dollars fell out of her pockets and sprinkled onto the interstate when the van hit her, witnesses said. Police were able to gather two $100 bills, but the rest was taken by drivers who stopped, witnesses said.

Wait, aren’t the residents of West Palm Beach the same ones responsible for . . . why yes, they are!

A Little Late, But Thanks For Letting Me Know

“heath ledger has been found dead at a downtown manhattan residence” (1/22/08)

I heard. Sewell Chan broke the story for me. So sad.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the wacky world of the web, there’s this:

“is there a celebrity website about heath ledger’s death in a manhattan apartment?” (1/22/08)

Too soon!

Then there’s:

“michelle williams whereabouts heath ledger’s death” (1/22/08)

Dude, put down the CSI badge . . . let the woman grieve.

Trump Has Blood On His Hands

“worker killed in construction accident at trump building in soho” (1/14/08)

Yes, I saw that, it’s horrible.