Works Every Time

“what to do if busser isnt getting fair share from waiter” (4/23/08)

Simple: Have your friends wait outside the restaurant and club him on the knee so he can’t work for a week or two, then suggest to the manager that you fill in for him.

Keep Off The Grass

“did george steinbrenner insult pope benedict ?” (4/21/08)

Depends on what your definition of an insult is . . . there was this:

Pope Benedict XVI’s three days in New York pose logistical challenges beyond making sure that he’s safe.

Among other things, organizers had to widen some footpaths for the popemobile, figure out how to distribute Holy Communion to 57,000 people and teach schoolkids to sing “Happy Birthday” in German.

They also had to promise to keep the pope and everybody else off the grass at Yankee Stadium.

“The Yankees had only one request, and that is that we not touch their grass,” said Mark Ackermann, who is running the Office of the Papal Visit for the New York archdiocese. “The All-Star game will be there this year and of course we’re all confident that the World Series will be there as well. So the Yankees need to keep it in good shape and we’ve been most respectful of that.”

Is April 15th Coming Up Or Something?

“what percentage of americans make 200000″ (4/9/08)

About 2.67 percent.

Either That Or Become A Lion . . .

“how to get to 5th ave and 42st in manhattan?” (3/29/08)

By turning your blog into a book?

Or the 7 train to 5th Avenue/Bryant Park, use the east entrance . . .

Take Your Pick . . .

“what did carpetbaggers do?” (3/24/08)

They ran for senate. They trolled for Carhartt Guy in Brooklyn. And occasionally they moved south during Reconstruction to make money.

Oh Yeah, Just Turn Right Onto The Cross-Bronx And Follow It 200 Miles Until You Reach Something That Says “New Haven,” Then . . .

“is times square in manhattan” (3/18/08)

Indeed, it is. Now which one do you think is the money card?

But Note, I Didn’t Say They Will Never Go Bad . . . How About We Settle On Six Months In The Fridge?

“why pickled eggs don’t go bad?” (3/17/08)

Vinegar, acetic acid, kills microbes, etc., etc., vinegar is very versatile, blah, blah, Nigella Lawson ate 30 of them on a bet.

To Start, It Has Nothing To Do With When Or How To Make The Donuts

“what is that digital clock in union square?” (1/31/08)

It’s called “The Metronome” and it was done by Kristin Jones and Andrew Ginzel in 1999.

Done And Done

“can you show me a map of the erie canal” (1/29/08)

Sure.

The Riddler

“i have wooden teeth and minimal hair if not registered i live at the bottom of handbags or in the bovine accessories of men what am i?” (1/26/08)

A comb. Next!

Chuck Norris As Viral Campaign

“who sued nbc for a trademark violation saying that law & order were copywrited names for his right and left legs” (1/25/08)

Chuck Norris! Though just so you know, it’s a joke:

Action icon Chuck Norris isn’t sure what to make of a hysterical list of “facts” about him making the rounds on the Web. The absurdist send-up, titled “Top 30 Chuck Norris Facts,” lists the butt-kicking B-lister’s imaginary attributes, with particular emphasis on his penchant for delivering roundhouse kicks to the face. Selections include: “Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming ‘Law & Order’ are trademarked names for his left and right legs;” “The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain;” and, “Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.”

He’s The Short One In The Green T-Shirt And Long Hair

“does dolph from the simpsons bully people?” (1/24/08)

Yes.

No, Seriously, What The Fuck Is It?

“what the fuck is a hedge fund?” (1/24/08)

A hedge fund is a private investment fund that charges a performance fee and is typically open to only a limited range of qualified investors.

What the fuck that is is another story.

On The Perils Of Confirming Engineering Principles Through Google

“will a model bridge stand up to anything” (1/22/08)

Anything except my big-ass boot. Nerd!

What Is It You Don’t Understand About “Island”?

“how can you get to connecticut from staten island by train?” (1/22/08)

How do we put this? Unless you expand your definition of “train” to include “ferry” or “bus,” you can’t.

That said, if you board the ferry at St. George, close your eyes, click your heels and hum “choo-choo” under your breath, you can disembark — er, change trains at Whitehall, walk to Bowling Green and take a 4 or 5 train to Grand Central where you can catch a Metro-North train.

You Mean The Legitimate One Or The One That Landed You In The Clink In The First Place?

“how can i restart my career after a felony” (1/21/08)

Trust me, it’s not easy. But if you run into trouble, you can always try Philadelphia . . .

Just The Normal Sort Of Thing You’d Google On A Lazy Saturday

“abut how many people died in the newark nj in the 1967 riots” (1/19/08)

“Abut” 23.

Safe For Whom? You? Or The Patron Who You Just Spilled A Tray Full Of Food On?

“is it safe to waiter with a broken thumb” (1/16/08)

The Waiter answers: “Depends how you broke it. If you work for a mafia front and some guy named Sal roughed you up because your deposit was light, then, no, it’s not safe to waiter with a broken thumb…”

I’ll Step In Here, My Friend

“anybody can tell me about knightsbridge nursery in dubai” (1/16/08)

It’s the Ivy League for the Junior set, of course.

It Gets The Red Out, But Not Other Stuff

“does visine really give you diarrhea” (1/16/08)

Easy. No.

And Just To Be Clear, Pretending You Didn’t Know Any Better Because You’re European Is Not An Excuse

“how do i calculate tips in american restaurants” (1/16/08)

Speaking on behalf of servers at American restaurants, thank you for taking the time to ask.

Tips can range anywhere from 15% of the total before taxes — which is chintzy but at least won’t get the restaurant’s manager following you outside inquiring about your dining experience — to 20% of the total after taxes, which is basically the maximum amount to give without looking like you’re creepy.

In a place like New York City, which has a 8.375% sales tax, a good place to start is to double the tax and add a couple of dollars. Alternatively, you can look at your total after taxes (e.g., $100), take ten percent of that ($10) and double it ($20).

Although paying for service may seem strange when you’re used to having everything (including taxes) included in the base price, it is really an easy thing to understand when you get down to it.

Now as for tipping at a bar, it gets a little more complicated. But you didn’t ask that.

Bird Road Boys Will Be Boys (Featured On ABC.com)

“where can i see the video of the bird road boys tauting to kill cops that came out in you tube webpage” (1/16/08)

Try here.

You Say “Steal,” He Says “Borrow From”

“can a restaurant steal my restaurant menu” (1/16/08)

It’s an interesting question. See this recent article and also the debate here.

And Still Incredibly Vulnerable To Muppets

“how big is manhattan” (1/15/08)

OK, let’s get this out of the way . . . Manhattan is 22.6 square miles (see Encyclopedia of New York City), with a population of 1.5 million people (see Wikipedia, for one).

No, It Couldn’t Have Been A Tuesday Because We Have Pilates On Tuesday

“was nathan hale hanged on a tuesday?” (1/14/08)

No, according to one of those online calendar thingys, September 22, 1776 was a Sunday.

Why do you ask?

Is There A “Barefoot In The Park” Revival Going On Somewhere?

“odds of stepping on a hypodermic needle in central park” (1/13/08)

Are low; feel free to take off your sandals.

But Not The Women In The Dove Campaign for Real Beauty — Just Pin-Up Girls . . .

“what consequences posters with pin up girls in underwear or bikinis on busses or bilboards can have on people” (1/13/08)

This depends. For most, there are few “consequences.” But if you’re in Saudi Arabia or if you’re, you know, someone like Andrea Dworkin or whatever, results could vary.

See also the variations:

“what influence posters with pin up girls in underwear or bikinis on busses or bilboards can have on a person”

. . . and . . .

“problems of posters with pin up girls in underwear or bikinis on busses or bilboards can have on people”

Which is to say, if it’s that’s hard to come up with effects, influences, consequences or problems, maybe it’s not that big a deal. Lighten up!

When They’re Not Staying At The Mirage . . .

“what is a tigers home called” (1/13/08)

Comerica Park! Just kidding! Actually, since they’re often on the road, it seems like there isn’t a defined word (like “den”).

See also.

Fanwalk? More Like Scamwalk! Bah Humbug!*

“will fanwalk brick assure seats at citifield” (added 1/12/08)

Of course not! It’s just a tacky way for them to make extra money off of people’s vanity and misplaced sense of legacy.

*OK, I feel better now.

And Why Alfred Nobel Is Such A Big Name, By The By

“what was used to blow stuff up befor dynamit” (1/12/08)

Black powder. It’s fairly easy to use Wikipedia, you know. You should try it! Just don’t cite it on your term paper.